About a week ago I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I came across a picture that someone had shared from the Fight the New Drug website. There were three men in dressed in t-shirts and the picture's caption read "Real mean don't watch porn." I started to feel such intense disgust for that phrase. We had a business call just a few minutes later and for a while it was incredibly hard for me to focus. I couldn't stop thinking about this advertisement declaring that real men don't watch porn. So Fight the New Drug, here is my letter to you:
"A few days ago I came across a photo from your website that pictured three men in Fight the New Drug shirts and the caption read 'Real men don't watch porn.' The moment I read it I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I need you to hear this loud and clear because despite whatever positive message you were trying to send you messed up big time. So here is what I need you to know:
You are oh so wrong. It is in fact 'real men' who watch porn. It's our brothers, our fathers, and our husbands. It is the young boy who saw his dad's magazine at age six and was addicted to porn before he even really understood what a woman was. It's the man who struggles with self-worth, financial hardship, or other difficulties of life and turns to porn to cope. It's the 18-year-old who pleads with God for help because he desperately wants to serve a mission for his church but is bound down by the chains of addiction. And please, let's not be so ignorant as to say it's only 'real men' viewing porn, it's also real women. It's not only real women viewing pornography but real women laying in bed at night wondering where their husband is, what he's looking at, and why she's not enough.
'Real men don't watch porn' is one of the most harmfully ignorant declarations I have ever heard. Pornography first entered my life 12 years ago and I personally have suffered greatly from the affects of it through my own actions, the actions of loved ones, and I also suffered greatly as I watched one of my best friends lose her husband and marriage to it. If I had to fit everything I've learned into a single statement it would be this: those who struggle with pornography need more unconditional love. They need more support and patience and understanding. What they do not need is more shame than they already feel. Pornography is addictive, isolating, and lonely. It screws up our perception about sex, humans, intimacy, and love. And the shame that comes from viewing pornography creates a perpetual cycle that keeps individuals trapped in it. When you tell someone that he is not a 'real man' because he views pornography you are creating very similar affects to what pornography itself creates. Pornography is shameful and dehumanizing; so is telling someone they aren't real for viewing it.
As I'm sure you can tell by now I am 100% against pornography. I don't want to discount all of the phenomenal knowledge and support your campaign and website have provided, and I understand that your statement was probably meant to imply something like, 'it's great when men choose not to view porn,' but I believe you couldn't have really said it a worse way. This statement tells men that their worth is based on their actions, and creating that type of shame for individuals will never help them escape the bondage of pornography. You are called Fight the New Drug, so go fight the drug, not the users of it.
Sincerely,
Me"
I also can't help but add in another quick note. When I first found that picture I started reading through some of the comments. To all those who wrote comments supporting the use of porn and to those who still think that it doesn't have any negative affects: I feel SO sorry for you. This isn't a debate about what's right or wrong, this is about the psychological and physiological affects of addiction and pornography. This is not opinion, this is fact. You have GOT to wake up. Pornography is plaguing marriages, individuals, families, societies, and literally nations.
A shout out to all of the real men, women, teens, and even children out there who are dealing with the repercussions of pornography. I want you to know that you are loved and supported in your struggle. I promise there is hope. <3
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
The Good Fight
As many of you know, I have been struggling with eating disorders for years, and I think most of us struggle with eating in general. If you'd like a little more insight into things I've gone through you are welcome to read a previous post called "Fighting Food" at this link.
http://fletcherfamilylessons.blogspot.com/2015/03/fighting-food.html
A few months ago I watched a documentary called Fed Up and it sparked my interest to learn more about processed foods, whole foods, and how to eat better. I can hardly believe how much I've learned and how far I've come. In June I set some goals, decided to change the way I think about, feel about, and eat food, and have seen incredible physical, mental, and spiritual changes in my life. I feel so passionately about these things that I want to share them. If just one person benefits from this then the effort was worth it.
I wish I could have figured these things out years ago, and even though I'm still in the middle of the learning process, there can be great joy in the journey. Also, this post may sound a little self-absorbed because I use the word "I" an annoying amount of times but I really want to emphasize that this is not post about "10 secrets to such and such." This is to share my personal experience about different choices I've been making, particularly with eating, that are bringing me great change and happiness. They are in no particular order.
1) I make small, frequent substitutions or eliminations: I have always struggled with the all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to food. It's like I will try to go without any ice cream at all, make it three or four days, and then completely break and literally eat a whole container. My experience the last six weeks is that small, healthy decisions made frequently will add up.
Here are a few examples:
-when we have eggs for breakfast I ditch the bread or tortilla and add lots of fresh veggies
-when I am craving something sweet I mix up some fresh/frozen fruit, milk, and greek yogurt for a smoothie instead of ice cream
-when I cook a recipe with cheese I will either leave it out or use swiss instead
-when I eat a sweet pork salad at Cafe Rio I leave off the tortilla strips (Ha! Tricked you! I would never leave those off, they are just too good)
2) I (usually) finish eating by 7:30p: I really try not to eat within three hours of going to sleep for the night. Sometimes this doesn't work because when I finish at the gym at 8p I really need a snack after so I will eat something small. In the past a lot of my needless snacking/binging took place after dinner when my body really didn't need anymore food for the day.
3) I eat a very filling breakfast, two medium lunches, snacks, and a light dinner: I feel that I've had significantly more energy throughout the day as I have done this. I also better utilize the calories I put into my body because I am much more active throughout the day than late at night.
4) I drink water ALL THE TIME: Drink, drink, and drink some more! I find myself craving water instead of other drinks which can really add up in calories throughout the day. If I drink less calories it stands to reason that I can eat more, and I am a huge fan of that! Also, I try to take a water bottle with me everywhere I go. The visual of having the bottle next to me helps me remember to drink it.
5) I don't skip eating. Ever.: Again, because I struggle with eating disorders in general I have often allowed myself to "skip" meals or snacks in hopes that I'll see results. I am coming to learn that this is not only emotionally unhealthy but also physically unhealthy as well. The more often I eat small meals/snacks and keep myself nourished the less I have a tendency to get so hungry that I binge. I also avoid counting calories and simply listen to what I feel my body needs.
6) I don't expect immediate results: Looking back, one of my most detrimental mistakes when setting health-oriented goals is that I have always wanted instant grattification. This time when I set goals I started in July and hope to meet my goals by the end of December. That's 1/2 a YEAR, guys. Our bodies are not meant to lose significant amounts of weight in one month and we simply cannot change eating habits overnight. I will add though that you will probably see changes more quickly than you think.
7) I have learned it isn't easy: Plainly and simply put, eating healthy is difficult. It takes relentless discipline, changing habits, consistency, and patience among many other things. The world around us literally tells us to eat terribly all the time. I highly recommend watching "Fed Up" (as mentioned above) which you can find on Netflix. It really gave me insight into how the food industry leads us to be addicted and stay addicted to bad foods early on and tricks us into thinking that unhealthy foods are actually healthy. There will always be plenty of opportunities to eat food that is less healthy, and most people around you will always eat those foods, but that doesn't mean that you have to. Isn't that why we are here on this earth, to do the hards things that will bring us great joy?
8) I try to focus on the right things: This one is hard for me but I know it's very important. I tend to focus too much on how much I weigh and it's something I'm working on. I think it's okay to like my pants fitting a little less snug and appreciating compliments from others but those things are just pleasant biproducts of the real reason all of this has been changing my life. I think the "right things" may be different for everyone but here are the "right things" for me.
-I have binging episodes far less
-I feel that I have more emotional control and wellness because I am in charge of my own body
-My body fat percentage is going down (this shows me that I am not just losing pounds, I am actually becoming healthier)
-I am more able to be intune with the Spirit because I don't feel sick and/or obsess over food
-My body has become stronger/more able than it ever has been before
9) I've noticed that food tastes better: Some of the things I have been focused on are "whole foods" and a "plant-based diet." Some people are a little more extreme but basically what this has meant for me is eating more fruits, veggies, nuts, and legumes (foods closest to their natural state). I have been amazed that foods I previously saw as boring or plain have become delicious. Because I am eating far less sugar (which is my weakness) I feel that my tastebuds have actually changed and I am more fully enjoying the food that helps my body feel amazing.
10) I don't miss a chance to exercise: This may sounds obsessive, but that's okay. Sometimes you gotta get a little crazy to get where you want to be. On the days that I absolutely can't make it to the gym I like to take Alexa for jogs so that we can spend time together and I can teach her it's great to be outside and active. Not to mention, I am far more inclined to run when I get to see that gorgeous smile! I do not miss a day of exercising. I just don't. Monday-Saturday is what I have committed to and that's what I do. I believe the Sabbath is for rest. Additionally, I have had SO much fun challenging my body and I love doing different types of exercise. Zumba is my all-time favorite but I have also been doing free weights, turbo kick, improv dancing, running, lots of stretching, and others. Find something you like! Working out should be something you look forward to, not dread.
I think one of the most important things I am learning is that one day of bad eating does not undo weeks of progress (unless you let it). This falls under a distorted thinking pattern called "disqualifying the positive." Sometimes as humans when we don't match up to what we think we should, we disqualify all of the good we've done just because we made a "mistake." This kind of thinking makes us lose sight of grattitude and, usually, turn back to old ways. You know what I'm talking about. The "I ate three cookies so I may as well eat 10 more" mind-set. I do that sometimes and get frustrated with myself, but when I go to bed that night I have already made the decision to forgive myself and get up in the morning to continue all the great things I've been doing!
Guys, this is a bigger deal than we realize. This is not about size 6 pants and flat tummies. This is about our LIVES! This is about not feeling guilty and depressed when I choose to enjoy some ice cream. This is about not feeling physically sick from eating and eating until I can't eat anymore. This is about feeling confident and being strong. It's about not feeling embarassed in my own body. It's about being able to run three miles if I ever needed to get help in an emergency. This is about being able to play with my grandchildren and great-grand children when I'm old. This is my quality of life and all of the health issues I may be able to avoid. And you want to know what this is REALLY about for me? It's about becoming everything my Heavenly Father intends for me to become.
"Our Heavenly Father sees our real potential. He knows things about us that we do not know ourselves. He prompts us during our lifetime to fulfill the measure of our creation, to live a good life, and to return to His presence." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf
http://fletcherfamilylessons.blogspot.com/2015/03/fighting-food.html
A few months ago I watched a documentary called Fed Up and it sparked my interest to learn more about processed foods, whole foods, and how to eat better. I can hardly believe how much I've learned and how far I've come. In June I set some goals, decided to change the way I think about, feel about, and eat food, and have seen incredible physical, mental, and spiritual changes in my life. I feel so passionately about these things that I want to share them. If just one person benefits from this then the effort was worth it.
I wish I could have figured these things out years ago, and even though I'm still in the middle of the learning process, there can be great joy in the journey. Also, this post may sound a little self-absorbed because I use the word "I" an annoying amount of times but I really want to emphasize that this is not post about "10 secrets to such and such." This is to share my personal experience about different choices I've been making, particularly with eating, that are bringing me great change and happiness. They are in no particular order.
1) I make small, frequent substitutions or eliminations: I have always struggled with the all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to food. It's like I will try to go without any ice cream at all, make it three or four days, and then completely break and literally eat a whole container. My experience the last six weeks is that small, healthy decisions made frequently will add up.
Here are a few examples:
-when we have eggs for breakfast I ditch the bread or tortilla and add lots of fresh veggies
-when I am craving something sweet I mix up some fresh/frozen fruit, milk, and greek yogurt for a smoothie instead of ice cream
-when I cook a recipe with cheese I will either leave it out or use swiss instead
-when I eat a sweet pork salad at Cafe Rio I leave off the tortilla strips (Ha! Tricked you! I would never leave those off, they are just too good)
2) I (usually) finish eating by 7:30p: I really try not to eat within three hours of going to sleep for the night. Sometimes this doesn't work because when I finish at the gym at 8p I really need a snack after so I will eat something small. In the past a lot of my needless snacking/binging took place after dinner when my body really didn't need anymore food for the day.
3) I eat a very filling breakfast, two medium lunches, snacks, and a light dinner: I feel that I've had significantly more energy throughout the day as I have done this. I also better utilize the calories I put into my body because I am much more active throughout the day than late at night.
4) I drink water ALL THE TIME: Drink, drink, and drink some more! I find myself craving water instead of other drinks which can really add up in calories throughout the day. If I drink less calories it stands to reason that I can eat more, and I am a huge fan of that! Also, I try to take a water bottle with me everywhere I go. The visual of having the bottle next to me helps me remember to drink it.
5) I don't skip eating. Ever.: Again, because I struggle with eating disorders in general I have often allowed myself to "skip" meals or snacks in hopes that I'll see results. I am coming to learn that this is not only emotionally unhealthy but also physically unhealthy as well. The more often I eat small meals/snacks and keep myself nourished the less I have a tendency to get so hungry that I binge. I also avoid counting calories and simply listen to what I feel my body needs.
6) I don't expect immediate results: Looking back, one of my most detrimental mistakes when setting health-oriented goals is that I have always wanted instant grattification. This time when I set goals I started in July and hope to meet my goals by the end of December. That's 1/2 a YEAR, guys. Our bodies are not meant to lose significant amounts of weight in one month and we simply cannot change eating habits overnight. I will add though that you will probably see changes more quickly than you think.
7) I have learned it isn't easy: Plainly and simply put, eating healthy is difficult. It takes relentless discipline, changing habits, consistency, and patience among many other things. The world around us literally tells us to eat terribly all the time. I highly recommend watching "Fed Up" (as mentioned above) which you can find on Netflix. It really gave me insight into how the food industry leads us to be addicted and stay addicted to bad foods early on and tricks us into thinking that unhealthy foods are actually healthy. There will always be plenty of opportunities to eat food that is less healthy, and most people around you will always eat those foods, but that doesn't mean that you have to. Isn't that why we are here on this earth, to do the hards things that will bring us great joy?
8) I try to focus on the right things: This one is hard for me but I know it's very important. I tend to focus too much on how much I weigh and it's something I'm working on. I think it's okay to like my pants fitting a little less snug and appreciating compliments from others but those things are just pleasant biproducts of the real reason all of this has been changing my life. I think the "right things" may be different for everyone but here are the "right things" for me.
-I have binging episodes far less
-I feel that I have more emotional control and wellness because I am in charge of my own body
-My body fat percentage is going down (this shows me that I am not just losing pounds, I am actually becoming healthier)
-I am more able to be intune with the Spirit because I don't feel sick and/or obsess over food
-My body has become stronger/more able than it ever has been before
9) I've noticed that food tastes better: Some of the things I have been focused on are "whole foods" and a "plant-based diet." Some people are a little more extreme but basically what this has meant for me is eating more fruits, veggies, nuts, and legumes (foods closest to their natural state). I have been amazed that foods I previously saw as boring or plain have become delicious. Because I am eating far less sugar (which is my weakness) I feel that my tastebuds have actually changed and I am more fully enjoying the food that helps my body feel amazing.
10) I don't miss a chance to exercise: This may sounds obsessive, but that's okay. Sometimes you gotta get a little crazy to get where you want to be. On the days that I absolutely can't make it to the gym I like to take Alexa for jogs so that we can spend time together and I can teach her it's great to be outside and active. Not to mention, I am far more inclined to run when I get to see that gorgeous smile! I do not miss a day of exercising. I just don't. Monday-Saturday is what I have committed to and that's what I do. I believe the Sabbath is for rest. Additionally, I have had SO much fun challenging my body and I love doing different types of exercise. Zumba is my all-time favorite but I have also been doing free weights, turbo kick, improv dancing, running, lots of stretching, and others. Find something you like! Working out should be something you look forward to, not dread.
I think one of the most important things I am learning is that one day of bad eating does not undo weeks of progress (unless you let it). This falls under a distorted thinking pattern called "disqualifying the positive." Sometimes as humans when we don't match up to what we think we should, we disqualify all of the good we've done just because we made a "mistake." This kind of thinking makes us lose sight of grattitude and, usually, turn back to old ways. You know what I'm talking about. The "I ate three cookies so I may as well eat 10 more" mind-set. I do that sometimes and get frustrated with myself, but when I go to bed that night I have already made the decision to forgive myself and get up in the morning to continue all the great things I've been doing!
Guys, this is a bigger deal than we realize. This is not about size 6 pants and flat tummies. This is about our LIVES! This is about not feeling guilty and depressed when I choose to enjoy some ice cream. This is about not feeling physically sick from eating and eating until I can't eat anymore. This is about feeling confident and being strong. It's about not feeling embarassed in my own body. It's about being able to run three miles if I ever needed to get help in an emergency. This is about being able to play with my grandchildren and great-grand children when I'm old. This is my quality of life and all of the health issues I may be able to avoid. And you want to know what this is REALLY about for me? It's about becoming everything my Heavenly Father intends for me to become.
"Our Heavenly Father sees our real potential. He knows things about us that we do not know ourselves. He prompts us during our lifetime to fulfill the measure of our creation, to live a good life, and to return to His presence." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Make It Up
I was looking in the mirror, like I usually do, when I had to stop and look a little bit harder. I looked gorgeous. My deep blue eyes were accented with long, black lashes, and my skin was clear, even, and without "flaw." My lips were recently shined up with gloss and my smile was very white. I think that by the standards of most people I would have been declared very beautiful. But I did not feel pretty.
I've always had this weird relationship with makeup. Throughout high school I mostly wore makeup for drill team performances and special occasions. It was fun to use it rarely because I always got SO many compliments when I did wear it. But in general I have always loved feeling comfortable without anything on. The older I've gotten the more I have come to cherish the way I feel without makeup. I think that feeling beautiful without makeup is something that should be cherished by all women, but it seems today that it's more of an embarrasment than anything else. So many women talk about how they'd never dare leave the house without makeup on and I feel so sad when I hear that.
The older I've gotten the more I have also come to cherish the way I feel with makeup on. There is something so special about getting dolled up to go out on a date with Braedon. I think that when we take time to "get ready" it shows our spouses that we are still crazy about them! It shows that we are still trying to impress them and that we love taking the time to feel beautiful and confident for quality time together. I also love putting on makeup to take a cute picture with Alexa or go out for a night with my girls. It's fun to accentuate my beauty and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
This moment I had in the mirror was an uneasy one for me. As I sat and looked into my own eyes I thought about how much more often I've worn makeup the last year or so; more than I ever have in my whole life. I cried as I realized how much I've let external forces affect the way I feel about myself. Isn't that insane? We start looking at more magazines, someone makes a stupid remark and BAM it's like you are a whole different person now. It's amazing that we let tiny, imperceptible moments add up to this: what we become.
I think that going without makeup is beautiful. I think that going with makeup is beautiful too. I think the most important thing we need to ask ourselves is WHY am I wearing makeup? Personally, I feel the most like "me" when I don't have anything on, so that is what I usually choose. I also like to use a little bit of mascara here and there. But it's the days that I feel I need makeup that I choose not to wear it. Every so often I will look in the mirror while holding up the mascara brush and realize that I am about to change the way I look because I don't like myself enough. Those are the days that I put the makeup away, spray my extra nice perfume, and walk away from the mirror.
I've always had this weird relationship with makeup. Throughout high school I mostly wore makeup for drill team performances and special occasions. It was fun to use it rarely because I always got SO many compliments when I did wear it. But in general I have always loved feeling comfortable without anything on. The older I've gotten the more I have come to cherish the way I feel without makeup. I think that feeling beautiful without makeup is something that should be cherished by all women, but it seems today that it's more of an embarrasment than anything else. So many women talk about how they'd never dare leave the house without makeup on and I feel so sad when I hear that.
The older I've gotten the more I have also come to cherish the way I feel with makeup on. There is something so special about getting dolled up to go out on a date with Braedon. I think that when we take time to "get ready" it shows our spouses that we are still crazy about them! It shows that we are still trying to impress them and that we love taking the time to feel beautiful and confident for quality time together. I also love putting on makeup to take a cute picture with Alexa or go out for a night with my girls. It's fun to accentuate my beauty and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
This moment I had in the mirror was an uneasy one for me. As I sat and looked into my own eyes I thought about how much more often I've worn makeup the last year or so; more than I ever have in my whole life. I cried as I realized how much I've let external forces affect the way I feel about myself. Isn't that insane? We start looking at more magazines, someone makes a stupid remark and BAM it's like you are a whole different person now. It's amazing that we let tiny, imperceptible moments add up to this: what we become.
I think that going without makeup is beautiful. I think that going with makeup is beautiful too. I think the most important thing we need to ask ourselves is WHY am I wearing makeup? Personally, I feel the most like "me" when I don't have anything on, so that is what I usually choose. I also like to use a little bit of mascara here and there. But it's the days that I feel I need makeup that I choose not to wear it. Every so often I will look in the mirror while holding up the mascara brush and realize that I am about to change the way I look because I don't like myself enough. Those are the days that I put the makeup away, spray my extra nice perfume, and walk away from the mirror.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
How are you doing?
Lately I get nervous when people ask me, "how are you doing?" It's often been hard to answer phone calls from closely loved friends (sorry Anna, McKenna, and Em). When ward members inquire about my well-being on Sundays I feel like I stuff my real feelings deep down inside, utter "pretty well" (so as not to be too optimistic but to avoid negativity), and quickly change the subject to how they are doing. You know what I'm talking about, you all have done it too. And why does my normally very cheerful, faithful, positive self feel these things? Because I am not doing well.
Dictionary.com defines the word "do" as the following: "to perform, to execute, to accomplish, to put forth." I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "how are you doing?" In the past when people have asked how I'm doing I have felt they are inquiring about my emotional wellness, my life circumstances, maybe even how I'm feeling physically. But recently I've realized that the verb "do" has little to do with the things around me and everything to do with the things inside of me.
Earlier this month my close friend McKenna and I sat on park swings around 12 in the morning. Some of the time we just let ourselves go back and forth to the sound of chains and tears. One of us would break the silence to read a quote from our phones, we'd talk, and go back to swinging in the silence. This went on for a long time. We moved to the steps, the bars, and eventually the slides where we laid down, looked up at the sky, and held hands. But no matter where we moved the conversation never completely changed its course. We discussed the phenomenon of the trials we endure here on this Earth. For me, the most powerful moment of our time together was when she read me a quote that contained the following idea: Trials do not come upon us due to our unrighteousness. In fact, when we are chosen to endure severe trials it is because God loves us and because He trusts us.
Sometimes I wish God didn't trust me so much.
Since coming into activity in the church I've often heard members say over the pulpit or in classes that they "don't know how they could do it without the gospel." This never really struck a cord with me because I did know. I lived my life without the gospel for 18 years and I survived. But as I look back at the last year or so of my life I realize that I have obtained a profoundly deep and abiding testimony that I do not know how I would do it without the gospel. Satan gets us to believe a lie, this GREAT lie that we can "do it" on our own. That is why marriages fail and individuals stay stuck in addiction and believers fall away, because they rely on themselves to be able to do it alone.
Sometimes I have the good days where I am broken apart, down on my knees, pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me be strong, to help me be faithful. Those are the days that I seek His guidance and read good books and visit my neighbor and clean my home and spend extra time with my daughter and serve my husband. But on the days that I'm not doing the good things in my heart and in my body I feel like I just might not make it. And that feeling is because I try so hard to do it, try so hard, try so hard, try so hard to do it alone and eventually I just quit trying because it will never work that way.
There are certain songs I listen to that strike my emotions so deeply it's hard to express. Do you know the ones I am talking about? It's like it reaches you so deeply and powerfully that you feel it in your bones. One of the most profound things about the plan for us is that in this life we are meant to endure great trials by doing all we can while relying on the Lord to do what we cannot. We are called to action but not by ourselves, by our faith. These two key elements are intended to work as a melody and a harmony to create the most beautiful music ever made.
So maybe we should take some time to ask ourselves, "how am I doing?" And who am I doing it with?
Dictionary.com defines the word "do" as the following: "to perform, to execute, to accomplish, to put forth." I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "how are you doing?" In the past when people have asked how I'm doing I have felt they are inquiring about my emotional wellness, my life circumstances, maybe even how I'm feeling physically. But recently I've realized that the verb "do" has little to do with the things around me and everything to do with the things inside of me.
Earlier this month my close friend McKenna and I sat on park swings around 12 in the morning. Some of the time we just let ourselves go back and forth to the sound of chains and tears. One of us would break the silence to read a quote from our phones, we'd talk, and go back to swinging in the silence. This went on for a long time. We moved to the steps, the bars, and eventually the slides where we laid down, looked up at the sky, and held hands. But no matter where we moved the conversation never completely changed its course. We discussed the phenomenon of the trials we endure here on this Earth. For me, the most powerful moment of our time together was when she read me a quote that contained the following idea: Trials do not come upon us due to our unrighteousness. In fact, when we are chosen to endure severe trials it is because God loves us and because He trusts us.
Sometimes I wish God didn't trust me so much.
Since coming into activity in the church I've often heard members say over the pulpit or in classes that they "don't know how they could do it without the gospel." This never really struck a cord with me because I did know. I lived my life without the gospel for 18 years and I survived. But as I look back at the last year or so of my life I realize that I have obtained a profoundly deep and abiding testimony that I do not know how I would do it without the gospel. Satan gets us to believe a lie, this GREAT lie that we can "do it" on our own. That is why marriages fail and individuals stay stuck in addiction and believers fall away, because they rely on themselves to be able to do it alone.
Sometimes I have the good days where I am broken apart, down on my knees, pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me be strong, to help me be faithful. Those are the days that I seek His guidance and read good books and visit my neighbor and clean my home and spend extra time with my daughter and serve my husband. But on the days that I'm not doing the good things in my heart and in my body I feel like I just might not make it. And that feeling is because I try so hard to do it, try so hard, try so hard, try so hard to do it alone and eventually I just quit trying because it will never work that way.
There are certain songs I listen to that strike my emotions so deeply it's hard to express. Do you know the ones I am talking about? It's like it reaches you so deeply and powerfully that you feel it in your bones. One of the most profound things about the plan for us is that in this life we are meant to endure great trials by doing all we can while relying on the Lord to do what we cannot. We are called to action but not by ourselves, by our faith. These two key elements are intended to work as a melody and a harmony to create the most beautiful music ever made.
So maybe we should take some time to ask ourselves, "how am I doing?" And who am I doing it with?
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Re-evaluation
The most power evaluations of my daily life take place because of my 8-month-old daughter.
A few months ago I was driving home in my black Dodge Ram, singing to the radio like I usually do. A song came on, one that I always love and always listen to, so I turned it up. A few lines into the first verse I got an uncomfortable feeling deep down somewhere in the center of my core. Never before had I thought twice about this particular song's lyrics but all of a sudden I thought, "What if Alexa could understand?" I slowly reached for the dial and clicked it off. I barely remember the remainder of the drive because I was so lost in thought...
Sensitivity to music, or lack thereof, is something that I've always had to work at. Growing up I listened to everything and anything: rock, indie, r&b, screamo. There are some things in music that send red flags to me. For instance, when I listen to Pandora and a song uses a curse word I switch it. Automatically. Habitually. However, there are other, potentially more dangerous aspects of music that sometimes I allow myself to listen to without thinking much of the consequences. On that day in the truck I felt very distinctly that I would never want to expose Alexa to the very thing I was exposing myself to. Talk about a wake up call.
I have since had this experience with many things I do on a daily basis. Would I want Alexa to watch this scene in this movie? Would I want Alexa to choose what she wears based on these feelings? Would I want Alexa to eat the way I'm eating? I think many would argue that she is just a baby and that she doesn't know any different. And you know what, they'd be right. But when WILL she know?
Although I can barely imagine it I do understand that Alexa will experience heartache, disappointment, pain, trials, exposure, and a variety of other things that I can't control. These things, though painful, are part of being a parent and part of living in a fallen world. However, what I can control to a certain degree is the things she experiences in her home. I want her to have the best shot she can at living the way her Heavenly Father wants her to live.
I think the magnificent thing about purity is the way that it moves. It's like a drop in a pond, a ripple that spreads wider and wider until it gently touches the shore. And then it sits, quietly, beautifully. And there are no words that can describe how perfectly right it feels. It's that moment when we just turn the music off.
A few months ago I was driving home in my black Dodge Ram, singing to the radio like I usually do. A song came on, one that I always love and always listen to, so I turned it up. A few lines into the first verse I got an uncomfortable feeling deep down somewhere in the center of my core. Never before had I thought twice about this particular song's lyrics but all of a sudden I thought, "What if Alexa could understand?" I slowly reached for the dial and clicked it off. I barely remember the remainder of the drive because I was so lost in thought...
Sensitivity to music, or lack thereof, is something that I've always had to work at. Growing up I listened to everything and anything: rock, indie, r&b, screamo. There are some things in music that send red flags to me. For instance, when I listen to Pandora and a song uses a curse word I switch it. Automatically. Habitually. However, there are other, potentially more dangerous aspects of music that sometimes I allow myself to listen to without thinking much of the consequences. On that day in the truck I felt very distinctly that I would never want to expose Alexa to the very thing I was exposing myself to. Talk about a wake up call.
I have since had this experience with many things I do on a daily basis. Would I want Alexa to watch this scene in this movie? Would I want Alexa to choose what she wears based on these feelings? Would I want Alexa to eat the way I'm eating? I think many would argue that she is just a baby and that she doesn't know any different. And you know what, they'd be right. But when WILL she know?
Although I can barely imagine it I do understand that Alexa will experience heartache, disappointment, pain, trials, exposure, and a variety of other things that I can't control. These things, though painful, are part of being a parent and part of living in a fallen world. However, what I can control to a certain degree is the things she experiences in her home. I want her to have the best shot she can at living the way her Heavenly Father wants her to live.
I think the magnificent thing about purity is the way that it moves. It's like a drop in a pond, a ripple that spreads wider and wider until it gently touches the shore. And then it sits, quietly, beautifully. And there are no words that can describe how perfectly right it feels. It's that moment when we just turn the music off.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Deleted: Thoughts on Pet Peeves and Man Crush Monday
Sometime last year my friend added me to a group on Facebook that was meant exclusively for mothers. One of her friends had started the group and there were over 100 members. This page was meant as an outlet for mothers to connect and ask questions. For a while I really enjoyed the group. I felt like I learned a lot and, being pregnant with Alexa at the time, I felt like there was a lot I didn't know!
After a while I started noticing posts that made me uneasy. One of these posts was based around the concept "Man Crush Monday." For this post the administrater of the group (on a Monday) posted the name and a sexy picture of her celebrity "Man Crush" and urged the others wives/mothers of the group to do the same in the comments. I couldn't help but think, "are you kidding me?" I continued to get notifications all throughout the day as I saw DOZENS of women post immodest pictures of men and write comments about how attractive they are. It was like standing in front of a burning house and watching people intentionally throw fuel on a fire. I think that many people today would classify this as something playful and harmless, but I think it's incredibly dangerous.
From my experience so far, my relationship with my husband has been one of the most difficult things I have ever worked at in my life. I believe that the influences of Satan and the world in general try to convince us of many negative things that, if left unchecked, may ultimately lead to divorce. One of these concepts is the idea that "the grass is greener on the other side." This thought that another woman has a kinder, more supportive, smarter, or more attractive spouse is not only unfair to your own spouse but it is entirely irrelevant. You CHOSE to marry the man you married, and in order to marry him you must of found many things about him that you loved. Comparing him to others is unkind and will only make you more miserable. I express sorrow as I admit that I know the pain of this because of difficult times when I have allowed my mind to wonder if I would be happier elsewhere. Although I have a lot of room for improvement I have come to learn that if I feel my husband is lacking in some area that means that it is MY duty to fix MY thoughts. When we post pictures of attractive men for "Man Crush Monday" we are not only being unfaithful to our husbands but we are asking others to do the same.
A few weeks ago on this group page the same woman posted something like this, "What are your biggest pet peeves about your husband? Mine is..." and then she went on to tell hers. I had an even stronger reaction to this post. Why would we sit and vent, online, to strangers, the things that we don't like about our spouses? Can you imagine how hurt you would be if you stumbled upon a post your husband had published about something he doesn't like about you? You would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed! This time I decided to comment with a simple message about how I think that what was being encouraged wasn't a good idea. I felt I was kind but honest and I sincerely hoped that other women would be able to see where I was coming from and abstain from commenting. I could hardly believe what happened. An hour or so later I went back on and had multiple notifications where women had commented to share what they disliked about their husband and realized that my post wasgone. To this day I don't know exactly what happened, but I'm under the impression that when she (the administrator and one who posted) saw my comment and didn't liked it, she erased it. Because who would want to let a comment distract from the fun of bashing on our husbands?
My whole point is that it takes effort to do what's right, and even though we hope others will support us in making correct choices, that won't always be the case. The world wants us to think that participating in things as simple as "Man Crush Monday" and complaining about our husbands via the internet is harmless fun, but it's much more serious than that! One comparison always leads to another. A few days after this incident I decided to delete myself from the group. I did not retaliate, I did not message her. I gave myself time to make sure that I was doing it for the right reasons. I decided that no amount of positive connection with other women was worth the degredation that I saw taking place.
You married the man you love, so love the man you married. Support him, respect him. He may be hurting and struggling and it may place a heavy burden on you and your marriage, but when you took him you made a promise to love him no matter what you went through. He is worth it.
After a while I started noticing posts that made me uneasy. One of these posts was based around the concept "Man Crush Monday." For this post the administrater of the group (on a Monday) posted the name and a sexy picture of her celebrity "Man Crush" and urged the others wives/mothers of the group to do the same in the comments. I couldn't help but think, "are you kidding me?" I continued to get notifications all throughout the day as I saw DOZENS of women post immodest pictures of men and write comments about how attractive they are. It was like standing in front of a burning house and watching people intentionally throw fuel on a fire. I think that many people today would classify this as something playful and harmless, but I think it's incredibly dangerous.
From my experience so far, my relationship with my husband has been one of the most difficult things I have ever worked at in my life. I believe that the influences of Satan and the world in general try to convince us of many negative things that, if left unchecked, may ultimately lead to divorce. One of these concepts is the idea that "the grass is greener on the other side." This thought that another woman has a kinder, more supportive, smarter, or more attractive spouse is not only unfair to your own spouse but it is entirely irrelevant. You CHOSE to marry the man you married, and in order to marry him you must of found many things about him that you loved. Comparing him to others is unkind and will only make you more miserable. I express sorrow as I admit that I know the pain of this because of difficult times when I have allowed my mind to wonder if I would be happier elsewhere. Although I have a lot of room for improvement I have come to learn that if I feel my husband is lacking in some area that means that it is MY duty to fix MY thoughts. When we post pictures of attractive men for "Man Crush Monday" we are not only being unfaithful to our husbands but we are asking others to do the same.
A few weeks ago on this group page the same woman posted something like this, "What are your biggest pet peeves about your husband? Mine is..." and then she went on to tell hers. I had an even stronger reaction to this post. Why would we sit and vent, online, to strangers, the things that we don't like about our spouses? Can you imagine how hurt you would be if you stumbled upon a post your husband had published about something he doesn't like about you? You would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed! This time I decided to comment with a simple message about how I think that what was being encouraged wasn't a good idea. I felt I was kind but honest and I sincerely hoped that other women would be able to see where I was coming from and abstain from commenting. I could hardly believe what happened. An hour or so later I went back on and had multiple notifications where women had commented to share what they disliked about their husband and realized that my post was
My whole point is that it takes effort to do what's right, and even though we hope others will support us in making correct choices, that won't always be the case. The world wants us to think that participating in things as simple as "Man Crush Monday" and complaining about our husbands via the internet is harmless fun, but it's much more serious than that! One comparison always leads to another. A few days after this incident I decided to delete myself from the group. I did not retaliate, I did not message her. I gave myself time to make sure that I was doing it for the right reasons. I decided that no amount of positive connection with other women was worth the degredation that I saw taking place.
You married the man you love, so love the man you married. Support him, respect him. He may be hurting and struggling and it may place a heavy burden on you and your marriage, but when you took him you made a promise to love him no matter what you went through. He is worth it.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
The day I asked my husband not to compliment me
A few nights ago Braedon and I were home and it was just a few minutes before we were headed to bed. While standing behind me he affectionately put his hands on my waist and, as he often does, complimented me excitely. "Man, you're so skinny!" he said. For the first time in my life I felt something different than I normally do. A while later as we were lying in bed having those hilarious, really tired, half asleep, I haven't seen you all day so we HAVE to talk conversations, I told him that I needed him to do something for me. He agreed and so I proceeded. "I need you to stop complimenting me using the word skinny." It was quiet for a minute and then he said, "Okay, I understand. I will say thin instead." I laughed affectionately but then told him I was serious, so we talked.
Something I briefly mentioned in my last post "Fighting Food" is that I have recently discovered that counseling is going to be a very important aspect of gaining sound emotional health. I think there are a lot of very negative connotations associated with "counseling" and "therapy." I know that even at times when I hear someone say they are in therapy I initially think, "So, what's wrong with you?" When I was talking with Anna Banana on the phone a few weeks ago she encouraged me to write about some of the things I am learning in counseling sessions because we so often think of it as a negative thing. I think it's important to challenge social norms that create tabboo subjects. So a little piece of this blog post is to honor my friend Jess Oberg in her recent declaration to #tossthetabboo.
In a recent counseling session I shared an experience I had a few weeks ago at the gym. I was excited about it because I have had SO many negative feelings about my body recently that this moment felt like a big stride in the right direction. I normally wear exercise capris to Zumba but on this particular day I had worn shorts. I realized that over the last few months of consistently working out I had gained quite a bit of tone in my quads and I was like, "Yeah! I look hot!" So you can just picture me sitting there telling my counselor about this awesome experience and him smiling and congratulations me and so on but... nope. He basically told me that I was completely wrong in my thinking, and then we had a conversation about something called unconditional love.
Loving ourselves unconditionally means learning to love ourselves with no stipulation. I do not love myself only if I go to the gym, do my hair fancy, remember to pray in the morning, eat a well-balanced diet, clean my home or anything else; I love myself NO MATTER WHAT. I believe this to be the highest form of love, the kind our Savior and Heavenly Father have for us, and because of that it is extremely difficult to obtain. True unconditional love does not undermine the importance of progression and improvement, it allows us to love ourselves in the process.
I'm currently reading in "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. I read this a few nights ago and it struck me as profound:
"Latter-day Saints habitually use the phrase 'keeping the commandments'... [this is] sometimes an ambiguous and troublesome phrase for the Latter-day Saints, particularly when they talk to non-Latter-day Saints. We generally say 'keeping the commandments' when what we really mean is 'trying real hard to keep the commandments and succeeding most of the time.'" This is a beautiful concept because it makes the idea of becoming perfect a little less overwhelming knowing that our Heavenly Father will be merciful with us along the path. It is not necessarily about who I am RIGHT NOW but more about what is in my heart and what actions I am taking to become better.
Everything about the world teaches us to love ourselvesconditionally. Magazines, media, gossiping about others, fashion, clothing stores. Think about it! I need to have those shoes, that body, her job, his smile. When we compare ourselves and feel that we are less than another we are being unconditional with ourselves.
I don't know if unconditional love is specifically a commandment from God, but what I do know is that the better we become at loving ourselves, the better we will become at loving those around us. I also know that in turn we will be able to more fully and perfectly love our Father in Heaven and, one day, be able love as He does. An added bonus is that our lives here on Earth will be MUCH more fulfilling and joyful. And who wouldn't want that?
Something I briefly mentioned in my last post "Fighting Food" is that I have recently discovered that counseling is going to be a very important aspect of gaining sound emotional health. I think there are a lot of very negative connotations associated with "counseling" and "therapy." I know that even at times when I hear someone say they are in therapy I initially think, "So, what's wrong with you?" When I was talking with Anna Banana on the phone a few weeks ago she encouraged me to write about some of the things I am learning in counseling sessions because we so often think of it as a negative thing. I think it's important to challenge social norms that create tabboo subjects. So a little piece of this blog post is to honor my friend Jess Oberg in her recent declaration to #tossthetabboo.
In a recent counseling session I shared an experience I had a few weeks ago at the gym. I was excited about it because I have had SO many negative feelings about my body recently that this moment felt like a big stride in the right direction. I normally wear exercise capris to Zumba but on this particular day I had worn shorts. I realized that over the last few months of consistently working out I had gained quite a bit of tone in my quads and I was like, "Yeah! I look hot!" So you can just picture me sitting there telling my counselor about this awesome experience and him smiling and congratulations me and so on but... nope. He basically told me that I was completely wrong in my thinking, and then we had a conversation about something called unconditional love.
Loving ourselves unconditionally means learning to love ourselves with no stipulation. I do not love myself only if I go to the gym, do my hair fancy, remember to pray in the morning, eat a well-balanced diet, clean my home or anything else; I love myself NO MATTER WHAT. I believe this to be the highest form of love, the kind our Savior and Heavenly Father have for us, and because of that it is extremely difficult to obtain. True unconditional love does not undermine the importance of progression and improvement, it allows us to love ourselves in the process.
I'm currently reading in "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. I read this a few nights ago and it struck me as profound:
"Latter-day Saints habitually use the phrase 'keeping the commandments'... [this is] sometimes an ambiguous and troublesome phrase for the Latter-day Saints, particularly when they talk to non-Latter-day Saints. We generally say 'keeping the commandments' when what we really mean is 'trying real hard to keep the commandments and succeeding most of the time.'" This is a beautiful concept because it makes the idea of becoming perfect a little less overwhelming knowing that our Heavenly Father will be merciful with us along the path. It is not necessarily about who I am RIGHT NOW but more about what is in my heart and what actions I am taking to become better.
Everything about the world teaches us to love ourselves
I don't know if unconditional love is specifically a commandment from God, but what I do know is that the better we become at loving ourselves, the better we will become at loving those around us. I also know that in turn we will be able to more fully and perfectly love our Father in Heaven and, one day, be able love as He does. An added bonus is that our lives here on Earth will be MUCH more fulfilling and joyful. And who wouldn't want that?
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Fighting Food
It's about to get real personal up in here. So if that's not what you're looking for, please exit the blog post now.
I have been battling disorders with eating for almost ten years now. I didn't realize it had been going on so long until last week when I was sitting in a counselor's office and he asked me when this all began. The mistake I continue to make is that I keep thinking that at some point this trial will just *poof*. Disappear. For some reason when I'm in a healthy place I feel like it will never be an issue again. And then I fall. Although the specifics of my challenge can be very detailed, that's not what I'm here to tell you about. I want to express to you the positive experiences with trials and turning outward. That is my focus and my intention. I pray that someone who reads this will be strengthened and find peace in the battle.
Not this last December but the December before I was in a very bad place for a few weeks. I was terrified to a new level because if I was not eating it not only meant being unwell physically and emotionally but it also meant I could accidentally prevent myself from becoming pregnant. We had made the decision to start adding to our family and it felt right and I was overjoyed but this challenge was a road block in a very important plan. To put it simply: eating disorder = addiction. I believe that one of the hardest thing about addiction is it makes you illogical. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to become pregnant, I wanted to make good choices, I wanted to feel close to my Heavenly Father but all of these things seem to lose importance in the middle of acting on the addiction. I was INCREDIBLY blessed to find out on February 7th (just two months later) that I was pregnant. I feel that finding out was a very unique experience for me. I had missed a period, sort of, and though the little thought of pregnancy dangled in the back of my mind I decided not to get my hopes up. A few days later I sporatically took a test and I could hardly believe it as two pink lines appeared. I walked into the kitchen and stared at the clock for three minutes, you know, to make sure the results were accurate! The moment I went back and confirmed that the test indeed said pregnant I walked into our room and fell to my knees in tears. (I am crying as I'm typing this) I felt like Heavenly Father was holding me in His arms saying, "I am trusting you with this little tiny baby. You can do it."
Being pregnant with Alexa was literally one of the most difficult things I have ever physically done. However, I was blessed with emotional relief from issues with food. Although I was often not hungry and/or sick, the mental part of eating was not difficult. For nine months I enjoyed the bliss that was feeling "normal." Even when Alexa was born I continued to have it easy. Only 16 days after her birth I was right back down to my normal weight. I almost forgot what is was like to struggle because things were so good for so long. Now, I should clarify that this addiction happens for a variety of reasons. Eating disorders are not always about how the addict feels about themselves. It can be body image issues but it can also be a desire for control in an unstable environment and many other things. For me it is a combination. When I relapsed last month I really made up for the many months that I hadn't been struggling. I fell HARD.
Have you ever obsessed about something before? Every moment of every day has been tracking food and feeling guilty and counting calories and numbers on scales and working out and so many things that aren't even worth talking about. My point is that I have quite literally been CONSUMED in this. For me, the absolute worst part of this struggle is that it makes me turn inward. Everything is about me, how I feel, how I look, what I want, what I think, what I have to do. It feeds the selfish part of the natural man. When I went and visited with Laura, my mother-in-law, two weeks ago she mentioned to me about how the Savior always "turned outward" during His afflictions. I sat there and thought, that is absolutely impossible for me to do right now. The same day as I counseled with my bishop about this particular issue he said something simply profound. He told me that many of us "believe in Christ" but we often forget to "believe Christ." I realized that in doubting my ability to climb out of pit I had dug I was doubting Christ's ability to lift me.
On Sunday this last week my friend Darillyn shared a scripture from Preach My Gospel that brought the Spirit so strongly it broke me down. "You are not authorized nor are you qualified to judge yourself. Jesus Christ paid the price to do that. Let Him... Plead for for Him to judge you. He will judge with gentleness and a perfect understanding of you and your circumstances... stop it. Judge not." I have spent a lot of time judging myself by very unacceptable standards, worldly standards, and this quote reminded me that Christ will judge me the way I should be judged. The the following hour in Relief Society we discussed the difference aspects of repentance. As I sat there thinking about how I had been abusing myself mentally, physically, spiritually I realized that repentance would be a key part of my recovery. But I just didn't know where to start. And frankly, something scared me about figuring out how to be okay again. I didn't want to stop even though I knew I needed to.
On Monday morning this week I read a talk by Elder Bednar called The Character of Christ (which Laura emailed to me). I understand that there is no way I will be able to describe to you the things I felt or the promptings I received. I cried. I cried the whole time I read the talk. Something Elder Bednar says is that we need to "get over ourselves." Now, I am not undermining the importance of taking care of myself. I know that seeking counseling and learning how to better cope with these challenges are vital aspects of being healthy. But I seriously need to get over myself! It's not all about me. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the WORLD, and in His eyes, it was never all about Him. The nature of Christ is that He always turns outward. Always. Elder Bednar articulates this concept in a beautiful way that calls us to action.
There are so many things I don't know. I don't know why I struggle with this. I don't know how I have such a beautiful, strong body that allows me to do so many wonderful things yet I still abuse it. I don't know why I can feel so good and happy one minute and so awful the next. I don't know why this is something I can never overcome, only maintain. What I do know is that my Savior knows and loves me more than I can comprehend. (I'm crying again) I know that He wants me to learn to be like Him: to turn outward, to serve and love others. I know that the only way to truly be happy is to seek His guidance on a regular basis. The few experiences over the last week that have helped me transitioned into a healthier place have ALL been because the Spirit has testified to me of these truths. That shows me that without seeking guidance I have a much smaller chance of being healthy and happy.
I hope that you will turn to your Savior. He loves you dearly and is waiting to help you. Please read this talk by Elder Bednar. I promise that it will lift you up and give you strength to be better. I testify that Jesus Christ can do anything. Believe Him. He has felt every pain that you are feeling and he knows how to help you carry your burdens.
I also want to say thank you so much to my ward family. We moved into the Bloomington Hills 3rd ward in December so we are fairly new. I have never felt so loved and supported by a group of people. Your comments have inspired me and your compliments have helped increased my self-worth. Thank you for your righteousness. I love you.
I have been battling disorders with eating for almost ten years now. I didn't realize it had been going on so long until last week when I was sitting in a counselor's office and he asked me when this all began. The mistake I continue to make is that I keep thinking that at some point this trial will just *poof*. Disappear. For some reason when I'm in a healthy place I feel like it will never be an issue again. And then I fall. Although the specifics of my challenge can be very detailed, that's not what I'm here to tell you about. I want to express to you the positive experiences with trials and turning outward. That is my focus and my intention. I pray that someone who reads this will be strengthened and find peace in the battle.
Not this last December but the December before I was in a very bad place for a few weeks. I was terrified to a new level because if I was not eating it not only meant being unwell physically and emotionally but it also meant I could accidentally prevent myself from becoming pregnant. We had made the decision to start adding to our family and it felt right and I was overjoyed but this challenge was a road block in a very important plan. To put it simply: eating disorder = addiction. I believe that one of the hardest thing about addiction is it makes you illogical. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to become pregnant, I wanted to make good choices, I wanted to feel close to my Heavenly Father but all of these things seem to lose importance in the middle of acting on the addiction. I was INCREDIBLY blessed to find out on February 7th (just two months later) that I was pregnant. I feel that finding out was a very unique experience for me. I had missed a period, sort of, and though the little thought of pregnancy dangled in the back of my mind I decided not to get my hopes up. A few days later I sporatically took a test and I could hardly believe it as two pink lines appeared. I walked into the kitchen and stared at the clock for three minutes, you know, to make sure the results were accurate! The moment I went back and confirmed that the test indeed said pregnant I walked into our room and fell to my knees in tears. (I am crying as I'm typing this) I felt like Heavenly Father was holding me in His arms saying, "I am trusting you with this little tiny baby. You can do it."
Being pregnant with Alexa was literally one of the most difficult things I have ever physically done. However, I was blessed with emotional relief from issues with food. Although I was often not hungry and/or sick, the mental part of eating was not difficult. For nine months I enjoyed the bliss that was feeling "normal." Even when Alexa was born I continued to have it easy. Only 16 days after her birth I was right back down to my normal weight. I almost forgot what is was like to struggle because things were so good for so long. Now, I should clarify that this addiction happens for a variety of reasons. Eating disorders are not always about how the addict feels about themselves. It can be body image issues but it can also be a desire for control in an unstable environment and many other things. For me it is a combination. When I relapsed last month I really made up for the many months that I hadn't been struggling. I fell HARD.
Have you ever obsessed about something before? Every moment of every day has been tracking food and feeling guilty and counting calories and numbers on scales and working out and so many things that aren't even worth talking about. My point is that I have quite literally been CONSUMED in this. For me, the absolute worst part of this struggle is that it makes me turn inward. Everything is about me, how I feel, how I look, what I want, what I think, what I have to do. It feeds the selfish part of the natural man. When I went and visited with Laura, my mother-in-law, two weeks ago she mentioned to me about how the Savior always "turned outward" during His afflictions. I sat there and thought, that is absolutely impossible for me to do right now. The same day as I counseled with my bishop about this particular issue he said something simply profound. He told me that many of us "believe in Christ" but we often forget to "believe Christ." I realized that in doubting my ability to climb out of pit I had dug I was doubting Christ's ability to lift me.
On Sunday this last week my friend Darillyn shared a scripture from Preach My Gospel that brought the Spirit so strongly it broke me down. "You are not authorized nor are you qualified to judge yourself. Jesus Christ paid the price to do that. Let Him... Plead for for Him to judge you. He will judge with gentleness and a perfect understanding of you and your circumstances... stop it. Judge not." I have spent a lot of time judging myself by very unacceptable standards, worldly standards, and this quote reminded me that Christ will judge me the way I should be judged. The the following hour in Relief Society we discussed the difference aspects of repentance. As I sat there thinking about how I had been abusing myself mentally, physically, spiritually I realized that repentance would be a key part of my recovery. But I just didn't know where to start. And frankly, something scared me about figuring out how to be okay again. I didn't want to stop even though I knew I needed to.
On Monday morning this week I read a talk by Elder Bednar called The Character of Christ (which Laura emailed to me). I understand that there is no way I will be able to describe to you the things I felt or the promptings I received. I cried. I cried the whole time I read the talk. Something Elder Bednar says is that we need to "get over ourselves." Now, I am not undermining the importance of taking care of myself. I know that seeking counseling and learning how to better cope with these challenges are vital aspects of being healthy. But I seriously need to get over myself! It's not all about me. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the WORLD, and in His eyes, it was never all about Him. The nature of Christ is that He always turns outward. Always. Elder Bednar articulates this concept in a beautiful way that calls us to action.
There are so many things I don't know. I don't know why I struggle with this. I don't know how I have such a beautiful, strong body that allows me to do so many wonderful things yet I still abuse it. I don't know why I can feel so good and happy one minute and so awful the next. I don't know why this is something I can never overcome, only maintain. What I do know is that my Savior knows and loves me more than I can comprehend. (I'm crying again) I know that He wants me to learn to be like Him: to turn outward, to serve and love others. I know that the only way to truly be happy is to seek His guidance on a regular basis. The few experiences over the last week that have helped me transitioned into a healthier place have ALL been because the Spirit has testified to me of these truths. That shows me that without seeking guidance I have a much smaller chance of being healthy and happy.
I hope that you will turn to your Savior. He loves you dearly and is waiting to help you. Please read this talk by Elder Bednar. I promise that it will lift you up and give you strength to be better. I testify that Jesus Christ can do anything. Believe Him. He has felt every pain that you are feeling and he knows how to help you carry your burdens.
I also want to say thank you so much to my ward family. We moved into the Bloomington Hills 3rd ward in December so we are fairly new. I have never felt so loved and supported by a group of people. Your comments have inspired me and your compliments have helped increased my self-worth. Thank you for your righteousness. I love you.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Thank you for holding my baby
At times people come up to me and say, "here, let me take your baby." Usually it's when she's crying and I can't figure out how to help her stop. When this first began to happen I felt somewhat defensive. It led me to feel incapable of providing my child with what she needed. But more than once, these experiences have made my heart swell with gratitude.
I go to a support group on Sunday nights. Sometimes I don't go; it depends on how strong I feel. Or sometimes how broken. The discussions, the people, the atmosphere really ground me and help me remember that I'm not alone.
I take Alexa with me, and for the last two months or so she has been getting very tired and upset right during the time that group takes place. In my mind I beg for her to calm down and hope that those around me have some compassion. They are patient and have never said a negative word about it.
A few weeks ago it was so bad that I was nearly in tears. I was out in the hall and I had fed her twice, rocked her, given her a binky, patted her back, and everything else I could possibly think of. The first part of the meeting consists of gospel study support and those who are there take turns reading. The second part consisted of us sharing our recent experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Alexa had cried and screamed through the whole first part of the meeting and I had missed everything. I finally gave up in exhaustion, stood against the wall, and slid to the ground. I held her loosely in my arms and sat there staring.
An older woman whom I had never met came out in the hall and said, "we are about to begin the sharing portion of the meeting." Tears welled up and I became literally sick to my stomach because I knew what was coming next; she was going to ask me to either figure out how to get my baby quiet or leave. She then said, "please let me take your baby so that you can go in." I can't even remember if or how I responded as I lifted my three month old baby and placed her in the arms of a stranger. I went into the classroom and sat as still as possible while tears streamed down my face.
I feel that the longer I live the more I come to learn that love can be found in unexpected situations. It seems to hide, tucked in corners of the walls and crevices of words. That lady, whom I haven't seen since and may never see again, likely has no idea what she did for me that night. But I hope that she can feel the warmth of this grateful heart from miles away. I hope that someday when she is on a late night walk she will remember what she did, and she'll feel my warmth brush against her cheek in the soft breeze of the wind.
I go to a support group on Sunday nights. Sometimes I don't go; it depends on how strong I feel. Or sometimes how broken. The discussions, the people, the atmosphere really ground me and help me remember that I'm not alone.
I take Alexa with me, and for the last two months or so she has been getting very tired and upset right during the time that group takes place. In my mind I beg for her to calm down and hope that those around me have some compassion. They are patient and have never said a negative word about it.
A few weeks ago it was so bad that I was nearly in tears. I was out in the hall and I had fed her twice, rocked her, given her a binky, patted her back, and everything else I could possibly think of. The first part of the meeting consists of gospel study support and those who are there take turns reading. The second part consisted of us sharing our recent experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Alexa had cried and screamed through the whole first part of the meeting and I had missed everything. I finally gave up in exhaustion, stood against the wall, and slid to the ground. I held her loosely in my arms and sat there staring.
An older woman whom I had never met came out in the hall and said, "we are about to begin the sharing portion of the meeting." Tears welled up and I became literally sick to my stomach because I knew what was coming next; she was going to ask me to either figure out how to get my baby quiet or leave. She then said, "please let me take your baby so that you can go in." I can't even remember if or how I responded as I lifted my three month old baby and placed her in the arms of a stranger. I went into the classroom and sat as still as possible while tears streamed down my face.
I feel that the longer I live the more I come to learn that love can be found in unexpected situations. It seems to hide, tucked in corners of the walls and crevices of words. That lady, whom I haven't seen since and may never see again, likely has no idea what she did for me that night. But I hope that she can feel the warmth of this grateful heart from miles away. I hope that someday when she is on a late night walk she will remember what she did, and she'll feel my warmth brush against her cheek in the soft breeze of the wind.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Is she a good baby?
It's been a long time since I've written, and I feel a bit sad about it because I've learned so much in the last few months since Alexa was born. Here is just a snippet, and I hope there are many posts to come.
I am now painfully aware of the phrases that all people say to mothers about their babies (you mamas know what I'm talking about). "She looks just like her dad" or "she is getting so big!" (because I didn't notice that my baby born at 8 lbs in now 15 lbs). Another thing I know is that before becoming a mother I NEVER had a second thought about saying these things to other mothers. Even now, I understand that those around me just want to show they care. That's why they ask questions, make comments, and show their interest.
Do you know those moments where you want to challenge an idea but it's out of the norm? For me, this occurs frequently with grammar. I think for a long time when someone asked how I was and I said "good" it was because saying "well" sounded strange; few people say it correctly. So we let our fear of feeling awkward dominate our desire to change the way that others think; to help them think more correctly.
There's a question that women all around have asked me frequently over the last four months. At first I answered the way I thought made sense, the way that explained what they were actually trying to find out. But every time it's asked I feel more and more uncomfortable knowing that each time I don't challenge the question I'm passively letting a stereotype form.
So the most recent time I was asked, "is she a good baby?" I responded by saying, "what does that even mean?" Because even though my daughter is only four months old, I don't want her to grow up feeling like she is a bad child if she doesn't do what is most convenient for me. Would you tell your toddler that they were "bad" for falling down while learning to walk? Would you tell your teenager she was "bad" for forgetting her school book at home? These examples might be absurd, but I think that the "good baby" question makes human = bad! Most people think a "good baby" sleeps through the night, and people think a "good baby" doesn't cry unless she needs something, but these are silly expectations!
I am happy to step out and challenge this idea of the "good baby." Why? Because Alexa poops out of her diaper, and she cries at 4:00 am, and she accidentally smacks herself in the face. She often cries when I set her down and I can't get anything done. Also, when she coos in her sleep I think she's dreaming of heaven, and when she scrunches her eyes to smile I feel a tiny glimpse of how Heavenly Father feels about my happiness.
Alexa is a GOOD baby, because she is doing everything just right, just like a baby.
I am now painfully aware of the phrases that all people say to mothers about their babies (you mamas know what I'm talking about). "She looks just like her dad" or "she is getting so big!" (because I didn't notice that my baby born at 8 lbs in now 15 lbs). Another thing I know is that before becoming a mother I NEVER had a second thought about saying these things to other mothers. Even now, I understand that those around me just want to show they care. That's why they ask questions, make comments, and show their interest.
Do you know those moments where you want to challenge an idea but it's out of the norm? For me, this occurs frequently with grammar. I think for a long time when someone asked how I was and I said "good" it was because saying "well" sounded strange; few people say it correctly. So we let our fear of feeling awkward dominate our desire to change the way that others think; to help them think more correctly.
There's a question that women all around have asked me frequently over the last four months. At first I answered the way I thought made sense, the way that explained what they were actually trying to find out. But every time it's asked I feel more and more uncomfortable knowing that each time I don't challenge the question I'm passively letting a stereotype form.
So the most recent time I was asked, "is she a good baby?" I responded by saying, "what does that even mean?" Because even though my daughter is only four months old, I don't want her to grow up feeling like she is a bad child if she doesn't do what is most convenient for me. Would you tell your toddler that they were "bad" for falling down while learning to walk? Would you tell your teenager she was "bad" for forgetting her school book at home? These examples might be absurd, but I think that the "good baby" question makes human = bad! Most people think a "good baby" sleeps through the night, and people think a "good baby" doesn't cry unless she needs something, but these are silly expectations!
I am happy to step out and challenge this idea of the "good baby." Why? Because Alexa poops out of her diaper, and she cries at 4:00 am, and she accidentally smacks herself in the face. She often cries when I set her down and I can't get anything done. Also, when she coos in her sleep I think she's dreaming of heaven, and when she scrunches her eyes to smile I feel a tiny glimpse of how Heavenly Father feels about my happiness.
Alexa is a GOOD baby, because she is doing everything just right, just like a baby.
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