A Different Kind of Valentine's

This has been on my heart and mind for quite some time but it never felt right to share it. All of a sudden it just seemed to make sense today, so here I am.

Today was a different kind of Valentine's.

Today I was not head over heels in love. Today I did not have breakfast in bed. Today I didn't wake up with butterflies in my stomach.

And so, today was a different kind of Valentine's.

Last night as I was scrolling through my FB feed I struggled with feelings of jealousy as I saw couple after couple with pictures of flowers and chocolates and dates and "my prince charming" and "best wife ever" and on and on. I let myself wonder how all of these couples are so perfectly happy with their perfect dates and perfect hair and perfect relationships. It took me a few minutes before I remembered, oh yeah, no couple is perfect.

I want to take the time to tell you about the Valentine's date Braedon and I had this year. We had a sitter for Alexa for three hours on Thursday night because I traveled up north for the greater part of the weekend. Braedon took me to Benja's, my FAVORITE restaurant. Gosh, I love Thai food. We spent way more than we ever do on dinner, ordered tons of new things, and took home left-overs.

After that he had a surprise for me. He took me to a clothing store and told me to go wild! He tried on a few things but he really spent the majority of our time there (and at the second store) handing me clothes in the dressing room, looking for things for me, and giving me honest opinions about the outfits. I really was and am so much more grateful than I can express for all he did for me. It was a sacrifice for him and I ended up with lots of new items. At this particular time it was not only a treat to get new things but also an essential as all the jeans I'm currently wearing don't fit.  

We were on a time frame so we picked up Alexa and then finished our date by picking up cookies at my favorite local bakery and watching a movie on our blow-up mattress at home. And maybe all this sounds pretty ordinary, but I can honestly say it was one of the best nights of my life. Something that's also true is that the night wasn't perfect. We got into an argument on the way do dinner and both felt tense when we arrived. We had some issues figuring out how much we should spend on our meal. Jean shopping is always a struggle for me, so part of the time I was frustrated with trying on 20 pairs of pants and only finding one that fit. The end of shopping was stressful because we were late to pick up Alexa, and we got in another argument. And I was worried about staying up too late because I worked the next morning and then was going to travel right after and had a huge weekend of training ahead.  At one point during our date I even felt bummed that I hadn't thought to take any pictures. I felt so beautifully done up and we rarely take pictures together... But then I realized that I had forgotten to take a picture because I was so busy living in and enjoying the moment.

For the sake of memory we snapped one just before watching the movie. And I love it.

Life is not always as smooth as we would like for it to be. In fact, I think it rarely is. Just a few days after an incredible night with my husband I saw all these Valentine posts on FB and felt sad and disappointed. And why is that? It's because I can only see the pretty parts of their lives. And from my end of the screen, they sure do look flawless.

Very few of you know or understand what the last year and a half of mine and Braedon's lives have ACTUALLY looked like (and boy, I hope he'll forgive me for getting personal here). I'm sure you know a lot about some of the incredible things like our success in business, our health goals, our beautiful daughter, etc. Those things are very real and fulfilling. In contrast, we have both made serious mistakes and struggled with addictions that have put each other through more pain and suffering than I could have ever imagined feeling in a marriage.

And so this Valentine's is a different kind of Valentine's. It's being celebrated with a lot of scars and two fragile hearts. But despite all of the difficulties I've endured, the pain I've felt, the disappointed I've dealt with, I can declare boldly that I feel a love I can barely understand or express. Braedon and I may have suffered great pain in our marriage but we are passionately committed to one another. I never knew how fully I could love and how much I'd be willing to sacrifice my pride until I had to do it to be happy, and I know that Braedon has done the same for me.

I do also want to bear my testimony about eternal families and the power of being sealed in the temple. I do not mean to say that every couple who has been sealed in the temple will or should stay together. However, I have received spiritual confirmation time and time again that we are continuing on through these trials together because we made a very serious decision to be married through the power of the priesthood and to create a family based on the idea that we would be willing to endure these things with eternity as our end goal. As I reflect on what we've been through I do not believe that we would still be a family had we not decided to make and keep those covenants, and I feel extremely blessed to know that our Heavenly Father loves us and gave us temples so that we may have eternal success.

I sincerely hope that you had the opportunity to ponder and celebrate the ones you love today. I hope you continue to learn to love more fully and more perfectly. And I hope that even if this was a "different kind of Valentine's" for you, that you are still finding joy in the journey.

Trin xox

In case you forgot...

Dear friends (real life ones and FB alike), I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this. It's just been sort of, scratching to get out for the last 12 hours or so. I guess this is a post to remind you that things are not usually as good as they seem, in case you forgot.

I guess this is a post to tell you about me. People always use this phrase "trying to figure out who I am." And when I hear it, it seems so cliche. But now I'm sitting here typing and realizing that I am just trying so darn hard to figure out who I am... who I want to be.

So if you've been following me on Facebook, you will know that I'm the girl who is working REALLY hard to win a weight loss competition. You will also know that I'm the girl who goes to the gym every day. Today, I'm the girl who had a fun photo shoot in a beautiful dress and pointe shoes. Today, I'm the girl who posted the most adorable video of my 15-month-old hugging and kissing a Valentine's Bear. I'm the girl who posts motivating quotes and step counts from my Fitbit. And all of these things ARE me. They are true and legitimate and lovely.

But I am also the girl who cried herself to sleep around 12a this morning. I'm the girl who has spent the last three days literally eating nothing but sugar. I'm the girl who has temporarily fallen back into a trap with food so deep that I am sick to my stomach and sick in my heart. I'm the girl who has so much control and none at all as I spend money I didn't budget to eat food that I don't even actually want. I'm the girl who usually reads instead of watching movies but just spent six hours of my life in front of a screen so I could "escape". this. food.

I want to talk to everyone I see one minute and hide in my room the next. Maybe none of this is making sense... but it makes sense to me. I want to be inspiring and strong but sometimes I'm just not, and I don't need to be disappointed in myself for that.

I guess these parts of me of sort of like when a girl takes off her makeup. Half of her face has just been rubbed clean. It's raw and imperfect but still really beautiful. Then there's still half of her face with makeup. It's bolder and it glows and it's the real her, just like the side without makeup, but the two halves look really different, even though they're one.

Accountability is a difficult thing (if you've followed me you know it's what I'm all into right now). Today as I sat on the floor eating a Dairy Queen shake I told myself that I needed to go to the garbage can and take a few minutes to actually admit what I've been doing to my body the last few days. Cookies, ice cream, donuts, chocolate.... It was a horrendous sight. And you wanna know the craziest thing? THIS IS NOT EVEN ABOUT THE FOOD!


What this is about is trying (and failing) to do this on my own. I have been relying on my own willpower, my own rules, my own desires. But I haven't been moving forward with faith and I certainly haven't been compassionate with myself.

God loves me SOOOOO much. And if I would have taken a mere five minutes the last few days to remember that, to turn to Him and ask for forgiveness for hurting my body and, in turn, my Spirit, I wouldn't have prolonged the suffering. But tonight as I sat down and ate a sandwich (yes a carb. yes with spinach, yes later than 9p) I said a prayer and realized that I hadn't prayed for ANY of the other junky food I'd been eating. Why was that and how did it happen? Because I wasn't thankful for it. And somewhere hiding behind my trying to escape I knew that it wasn't something good for my body.

Life is still so good. I am literally the healthiest I've ever been. And though many of you may not understand, it's very significant for me that I didn't intentionally throw-up through these difficult couple of days. I may be struggling greatly but I am so much further now than I was even a year ago. And there's a lot of peace to be found in that.

Again, this is not about the food. And this is also the most unorganized post I'll probably ever post. I'm not even going to go back through it before I share it.
1) There are so many incredibly cool things about my life but there is also pain and addiction.
2) I can't do this alone.
3) Don't compare yourself to others. You really don't know them.

Okay, I think I'm done now. :)