I guess this is a post to tell you about me. People always use this phrase "trying to figure out who I am." And when I hear it, it seems so cliche. But now I'm sitting here typing and realizing that I am just trying so darn hard to figure out who I am... who I want to be.
So if you've been following me on Facebook, you will know that I'm the girl who is working REALLY hard to win a weight loss competition. You will also know that I'm the girl who goes to the gym every day. Today, I'm the girl who had a fun photo shoot in a beautiful dress and pointe shoes. Today, I'm the girl who posted the most adorable video of my 15-month-old hugging and kissing a Valentine's Bear. I'm the girl who posts motivating quotes and step counts from my Fitbit. And all of these things ARE me. They are true and legitimate and lovely.
But I am also the girl who cried herself to sleep around 12a this morning. I'm the girl who has spent the last three days literally eating nothing but sugar. I'm the girl who has temporarily fallen back into a trap with food so deep that I am sick to my stomach and sick in my heart. I'm the girl who has so much control and none at all as I spend money I didn't budget to eat food that I don't even actually want. I'm the girl who usually reads instead of watching movies but just spent six hours of my life in front of a screen so I could "escape". this. food.
I want to talk to everyone I see one minute and hide in my room the next. Maybe none of this is making sense... but it makes sense to me. I want to be inspiring and strong but sometimes I'm just not, and I don't need to be disappointed in myself for that.
I guess these parts of me of sort of like when a girl takes off her makeup. Half of her face has just been rubbed clean. It's raw and imperfect but still really beautiful. Then there's still half of her face with makeup. It's bolder and it glows and it's the real her, just like the side without makeup, but the two halves look really different, even though they're one.
Accountability is a difficult thing (if you've followed me you know it's what I'm all into right now). Today as I sat on the floor eating a Dairy Queen shake I told myself that I needed to go to the garbage can and take a few minutes to actually admit what I've been doing to my body the last few days. Cookies, ice cream, donuts, chocolate.... It was a horrendous sight. And you wanna know the craziest thing? THIS IS NOT EVEN ABOUT THE FOOD!What this is about is trying (and failing) to do this on my own. I have been relying on my own willpower, my own rules, my own desires. But I haven't been moving forward with faith and I certainly haven't been compassionate with myself.
God loves me SOOOOO much. And if I would have taken a mere five minutes the last few days to remember that, to turn to Him and ask for forgiveness for hurting my body and, in turn, my Spirit, I wouldn't have prolonged the suffering. But tonight as I sat down and ate a sandwich (yes a carb. yes with spinach, yes later than 9p) I said a prayer and realized that I hadn't prayed for ANY of the other junky food I'd been eating. Why was that and how did it happen? Because I wasn't thankful for it. And somewhere hiding behind my trying to escape I knew that it wasn't something good for my body.
Life is still so good. I am literally the healthiest I've ever been. And though many of you may not understand, it's very significant for me that I didn't intentionally throw-up through these difficult couple of days. I may be struggling greatly but I am so much further now than I was even a year ago. And there's a lot of peace to be found in that.
Again, this is not about the food. And this is also the most unorganized post I'll probably ever post. I'm not even going to go back through it before I share it.
1) There are so many incredibly cool things about my life but there is also pain and addiction.
2) I can't do this alone.
3) Don't compare yourself to others. You really don't know them.
Okay, I think I'm done now. :)
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