Why us women need to stop "getting our bodies back"

A few weeks ago one of my friends announced to me that she was pregnant with her second baby. I was SUPER excited for her. As she talked I could tell that even though this baby was a surprise for her and her husband she was very excited as well. And then she said it, almost in passing, but it hit me so weird and deep inside of me... "So much for getting my body back." And then she just kept on talking about her excitement like it didn't mean anything, but that phrase really stuck with me.

I spent days and now weeks pondering this idea. Women get pregnant. They have a baby. And then they want to "get their body back." Fitness ads and commercials pop up on social media and television and scream "did you have a baby? Get your body back!" Our misperceptions of other women make us yell inside ourselves "why don't I look like her? I need to get my body back!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?

I believe that my body is a gift and that my spirit existed before I came to this earth (so I know my worth is not defined by my body). I also believe that my body is intended for MANY awesome things like eating yummy foods, playing sports, taking baths, pushing my limits at the gym, cleaning my house, expressing myself through dance, writing in my journal, and so many other things. I also believe that I have my body so that I can experience indescribably sacred things like being intimate with my husband, growing and birthing a child, serving the people around me, participating inside the holy temple, and gazing in awe at my babies' sleepy eyes as I rock them to sleep.

I've now had two children and I would REALLY like to have more because I love Alexa and Libby so dearly and because I feel like there are other sweet little spirits waiting to join our family. I also want to have more children because I absolutely love the birthing process and I feel confident that with the Lord's help, I'm going to raise these children into really stellar individuals.

So what does that mean for me? It means that I get into super good shape and then I get pregnant and get chubby, but I ALSO do my best to stay in shape for those nine months. And it's still my body. Then a human COMES OUT of my body and my body is all stretchy and soft and a few pounds heavier (and a few others things). And it's still my body. Then I remember how much easier it feels to exercise and function without another person inside of me, so I get back into my normal routine, over time. And it's HARD because my body isn't in the same shape it used to be. But it's still my body. And then over a period of time, about a year for me this time around, I start to feel really fit and toned and slender again. But you know what? It was my body the ENTIRE time.

I'm finally starting to learn that my body is going to look different all throughout my life. From ages 13-20 my body fluctuated often because I was constantly caught between starving myself and eating every crappy food I could get my hands on. And then for the next few years, as I started learning about nutrition, I started to heal from some of my disorders with eating. And with that knowledge I started eating better and kept working out, and then I was a little chubbier because I was consistently eating, and often not the right foods. Then after having my first baby I started getting really intrigued about food and nutrition, so I started watching documentaries, reaching out to friends that I saw as "fit," and began to implement healthy habits like eating veggies and drinking lots of water. And I slimmed down and felt so happy because I was taking better care of my body. But struggles with binging, particularly with sugar, were relentless and exhausting (something I'm still working on to this day). And then in January last year I started a weight-loss competition that was five months long, but I dropped out mid-April due to mental health issues. I was the most thin I'd EVER been since puberty and weighed the lowest too. I was getting compliments left and right. But despite all of these things that looked great on the outside I was miserable and the most emotionally unhealthy I had ever been about my body.

Isn't that interesting? I "looked" my very best but was mentally at my very worst because inside I was obsessing about every single things I ate, counting calories, weighing myself multiple times a day, and on and on. And so I quit. And less than one month later I got pregnant with my second baby. And throughout my pregnancy I stayed SUPER fit, which was not easy in the least, but I did it and I'm so glad I did. And then she was born in February and my body seemed to bounce back pretty quick. When I went back to the gym four weeks postpartum (because I was DYING being cooped up in the house and missed seeing people and trying to care for two children was overwhelming) it's like people didn't even see ME. All they saw was an abnormally slender, four-week postpartum body. Everyone asked me things like "how are you doing it," "are you sure you just had a baby," "someone expressed concern that I looked so thin already, and one person even made an announcement to the whole class about how I just had my baby "x" amount of weeks ago and didn't I look amazing!? And sure, in the moment I felt cool and all, but it actually left me feeling self-conscious and sort of neglected... No one really asked me the things I needed at that time, like "how are you doing with healing," "how is your baby," or "do you need help?" And I did. I needed help SO badly.

I felt completely alone but didn't know how to talk to anyone about it. In this weird way I felt all of this pressure to be and stay thin, but I was an emotional wreck and didn't know how I'd be able to maintain that. My newborn baby was crying almost constantly (which I found out at week 7 was due to a milk protein intolerance when I removed dairy from my diet). I was exhausted from having hardly any sleep. I was simultaneously trying to care for a 2 year, 4 month old toddler who quickly realized that a distracted mother made for easy access to endless messes. My husband was working day and night to help us get ahead and I was caring for everything else on my own (while also going through a ton of crappy stuff in our marriage relationship). And because I was caving under the stress of it all I put my babies in the car to soothe Libby to sleep (because nothing else would), drove to Harmon's, and ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream almost every night for weeks straight. And sure enough... eventually with the consistent sugar came the weight. And all of a sudden I was nearly 10 lbs heavier than right after Libby was born.

Can you see the problem with this? I was so worried about being judged, because I could guess exactly how it would go. I'd try to reach out to someone, start talking to them about my issues with stress and food, and be swiftly invalidated by a "but you look amazing" or "nobody's body looks that good after having a baby"or "obviously the ice cream isn't showing." And so I kept it inside and kept eating and it eventually led to me acting out in other damaging ways. But hey, I looked good and that's what seemed to matter.

The reality is that we never ACTUALLY know what people are going through. I'm aware that people see me, either in person or on social media, and assume things about me because of my body. The reality is that I am VERY fit right now. I'm also currently slimming down and toning up a lot, which just seems to be the icing on the cake (ha, you see what I did there). And people may assume that I eat well all the time, or that I eat whatever and look like this anyway. They may assume that eating well comes easy to me, that I have plenty of money to buy the best foods, that I'm just lucky, or whatever it may be. And I know that people make these assumptions because I make the SAME mistake all the time when I judge others. You know what I'm talking about. You notice a Facebook friend who seems to have the most unbelievable family life and then you're completely floored when you become close friends and she confides in you that her marriage is a mess right now.

When we judge other people (and ourselves) it takes away from the true value of who they/we are. And when we emphasize the surface characteristics and leave out the more important things I truly believe it can be damaging, even though it's always unintentional. I whole-heartedly believe that we can play a huge part in fixing these things. Here are some examples:

-This weekend at the gym I gave one of my friends a hug mid-Zumba class and she said "you're looking so skinny!" She quickly corrected herself by saying, "I actually should say fit. You're looking so fit!" It was small, and may not have mattered to someone else, but it was a HUGE deal to me. I personally want to focus on and think about being fit and healthy, because that's what leads to the best emotional health for me.

-Another friend today told me, "you're looking so thin! Have you been losing weight?" I told her that I get too obsessed about my weight when I'm tracking it, so I have chosen not to weigh myself. I told her "I'm finally eating really well."

-A friend who I hadn't seen recently came to my class last week. Afterward we were talking about food and fitness. Last time I saw her she had been pregnant with her first baby, a little girl. I couldn't remember and asked how long ago she was born. She replied self-consciously, "it's been three months. I really need to get this weight off." It was so ironic because throughout the entire class each time I looked at her I thought wow, she looks so beautiful. But in her mind she was embarrassed about her body, and maybe she felt even more so because we were talking about food and fitness and because the conversation initiated by her sister-in-law commenting about how she couldn't believe I had had two babies. I responded by complimenting her body and then talked to her about the importance of loving her body and understanding that everyone is different.

All of these are small things, sometimes only seconds in a conversation. But I truly believe they can change our world of perception for the better.

The beginning of October this year I began a health challenge with a group of 24 people that lasted eight weeks, and those eight weeks changed my life. I decided upfront that I wouldn't weigh myself weekly but would just focus on consistently "getting points" by participating in healthy habits like drinking 64 ounces of water a day, having five daily servings of combined fruits/veggies, sleeping seven hours each night, etc. I also committed to write down every single thing I ate for the eight weeks. And I had moments where I struggled, got frustrated, sugar-binged, etc. But overall I finished feeling healthier, satisfied with my efforts, and in some really good habits. Additionally, I was led to a book called Bright Line Eating which has allowed me to connect with the author in a way I've never been able to connect with anyone when it comes to food. And as I'm currently working to apply some of those bright lines, miraculous things are happening for me spiritually, physically, and emotionally. And the CRAZIEST thing is that for the first time in my life my body "looking good" is a side-effect of the things that matter more, not the other way around. I'm eating (or not eating things) to be happy and well, not to be skinny. And this breakthrough is literally changing my life.

I'm SO tired of trying to fit a certain mold. I'm sick of coveting other womens' bodies, hating myself for eating something I didn't actually want to eat, hoping someone will tell me how good I'm looking. And I'm so done trying to meet expectations, whether they be the assumed expectations of others, or worse, my own expectations of how my body "should look."

I'm finding indescribable joy in learning to appreciate my body in all of its stages. I'm finding joy in making changes to my diet that leave me feeling healthy and full or energy. I'm finding joy in saying "no, I will not put that in my body because it's bad for me" and "yes, I love putting that in my body because it helps me feel good." I'm finding joy in the spiritual and emotional peace that comes from focusing on eating veggies and making it through a High Fitness class (which is no small feat for me) instead of focusing on how thin I am or how good I'll look in a selfie. And don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be fit, thin, and strong. In fact, I think those are all very worthy goals; I want to be all of those things! But I don't want to kill myself getting there, I want to be happy along the way.

What I absolutely don't want is for their to be the misconception that I'm trying to judge my friends for what they said. Even more, I'm trying to say that I know exactly how they feel. The unrelenting expectations put on us, both by others and by ourselves, are very real and unrelenting. What I'm trying to do is inspire us all the think at a higher level. I believe that our Heavenly Father cares about how we treat/care for our bodies and what we use them for, but I believe that He cares very little about how we look.

Sometimes I forget to focus on the right things. But I also know that I am out-of-my-mind excited about this crazy journey I'm on. And as I take every tennis-shoed step toward being more healthy and fit I will keep working to remember that no matter what step of life I'm at, it's still my body, and it sure is a beautiful one. <3

Labor/Delivery with Libby Nicole ♥

I've been SO looking forward to writing this post for weeks now because my labor and delivery with baby #2, who we named Libby Nicole Fletcher, was such a crazy good experience. A huge thank you to everyone who read the first post about my labor/delivery with Alexa and I hope you enjoy this one as well! I'm excited to share how much Hypnobirthing and education in general enhanced the birthing experience the second time around.

On Monday morning (February 6th) I woke up around 3a with what I thought might be surges (more commonly known as contractions but Hypnobirthing uses different terminology). I started tracking them with an app on my phone and noticed that they were pretty close together. However, I did my best to listen to my body and felt like I could definitely wait a few hours before I thought about heading to the hospital (I wouldnt recommend this for everyone but in the beginning of my labors the surges are so gentle that I know I have time before things get serious). I told Braedon, texted my best friend McKenna who was on standby to watch Alexa, and decided to go back to sleep for a bit. When I woke up the surges were still very light so I took a bath in our big jacuzzi tub and shaved (because who knows when the heck you'll have a chance to do that again after giving birth), packed the rest of my things, and spent some time with Alexa. Oh, I also took time to stitch up some leggings that I really wanted to wear after having the baby. Ha ha! When I texted Braedon to tell him that he told me I could iron some of his shirts while I was at it. I told him not to get carried away (I hate ironing and never do it).

McKenna came over around 11a as I was finishing getting things ready. When I was all set to go I sat Alexa down and told her that next time she saw me she'd probably have a new baby sister. I teared up as I told her how proud I was of her and how much I love her. I had no doubt she'd be an awesome big sister. I was so emotional as I thought about how these were my last moments with her as my only child. I asked Kenna to snap a few pictures of us and I'm so glad we did. I love my spunky gal.

                                            

 I headed over to the hospital and told Braedon that I'd update him with whether or not I'd be staying once I was evaluated. Sure enough I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 5 so I decided to stay. After the whole check in process was completed they informed me that one of the Birthing Suites was available (there are two rooms and they get filled on a first come first serve basis; you have to be pre-approved to deliver there). I was so happy! Here are pictures I took when I first toured the Birthing Suite area back in October. Isn't it so beautiful and peaceful?

                                         

  Once I got settled in I decided that because my surges were still really soft I would take a nap. I had a good little snooze on that queen bed and then decided I wanted some lunch when I woke up. The main nurse who was helping me, Leslie, found me a turkey sandwich, chips, and cookies. Yummy. At this point I also went through my birth plan with her so that her and the other staff were aware of some of the things that were very important to me. Some of these things included:
1) Intermittent monitoring of the baby (we used a Doppler to check the baby's heartbeat once an hour instead of having my hooked up and unable to move around).
2) Access to a birthing ball (yoga ball), birthing stool, and, of course, the tub.
3) Not having an IV.
And probably the two most important things to me which were
4) Not being coached to "push" the baby. I told them that I'd know when it was time and (as Hypnobirthing suggests) I would be picturing "breathing the baby down."
5) I wanted to have skin to skin with the baby immediately and for her to not be taken for measurements for the first hour so that I could bond with her and nurse her.

By now it was the early afternoon and I could tell that surges weren't really getting stronger. This made me a bit nervous because, in my experience, when you've been at a hospital for a few hours and not much has changed, all of a sudden they want to do what they need to to get your labor to speed up (this happened the first time with Alexa). Sure enough, when my doctor was finally able to come see me that was exactly what she recommended. She said things like "if you're hungry enough to eat a sandwich then your labor isn't progressing fast enough" and how we should "break my water because if my labor isn't moving then we'll have to use pitosin" and etc. I can honestly say that this was the only part of my whole experience that was super disappointing to me. Over months and months of seeing this doctor and my other doctor (they share a practice and switch off weeks so whoever is on for the week will deliver the baby) I had shared countless times about how I was doing Hypnobirthing, how I wanted to let my body do what it was going to do, etc. I felt pressured and almost threatened and that was frustrating and disappointing. I told her I wanted some more time and then I'd let her know.

At this point I finally decided to ask Braedon to come over to the hospital and told him my dilemma about the doctor's suggestion. I had decidedly pretty firmly not to intervene with the process, but I also knew that if they broke my water (Hypnobirthing calls it releasing the membranes) then my labor would speed up, intensify, and we'd have our baby girl very soon. Also, I had practiced and prepared for intense labor, so I was confident I could handle it well. I felt super torn and kind of frustrated, but eventually decided to do it. Braedon showed up and a few hours later, at 4p, the doctor released the membranes. And then I knew it was show time!
*(Please note that at this time I had been having surges for 12 hours and was dilated to about a 6, but could still barely feel the surges at all. I think that if/when we have our next child I should either just decide that I'm fine with having the membranes released to progress the labor or I should plan to stay at my home a lot longer before going in so that I don't feel pressured at the hospital)*

I got in the tub pretty  much right away and Braedon and I spent some time talking, joking, and laughing before I started to focus more on the Hypnobirthing. Something SO neat is that Braedon was WAY more involved in the process this time. Little things like light massaging and encouragement made a huge difference for me. He also made me feel like a champion the whole time I was in labor. It was a very intimate and powerful experience for me (and hopefully for him as well). At 5:10 (an hour later) it was time to monitor the baby again so I got out of the tub and went over to the bed where the monitor was. That's the last clear memory I have of the time. An important part of the hypnosis is time distortion; basically making yourself feel like surges are shorter than they really are. This makes the difficulties of labor more bearable. Libby was born at 6:20p which means from that point on I was in labor for about another 1 hour 10 minutes. Although it was extremely painful and difficult it definitely felt like a much shorter time than that. So the time distorting was successful! Another important aspect was affirming to myself about positive things about my body/labor. This was a great tool as well.





After the monitoring I got out of the bed and ended up in a sitting position again (which I wasn't too surprised about because that happened the first time as well. I tried a few positions, but the most bearable was sitting down and leaning forward on a yoga ball. At one point Braedon asked me, "should I get Brooke here?" (Brooke is a good friend of mine who took the labor/delivery photos as well as Libby's newborns). Looking back in hindsight I'm SO glad he asked because she ended up arriving and taking pictures for not very long before Libby was born. I was so focused that I would have completely forgotten to ask him to get a hold of her. What a blessing that was because the photos are AMAZING and I will cherish them forever.

Later that night as we were visiting Braedon and Brooke told me that they could SEE surges happening in my body and how incredible it was. I got to see what they were talking about when I looked through the pictures (notice the contraction of the stomach in the second photo). I know it shows a little more skin but I wanted to share it because seriously, how amazing is that!?

                                         

Around this time I hit that sort of wall that I talked about in my first post. When nearing completion the body sends out a surge of adrenaline that creates a fight or flight sort of reaction. I am SO happy I learned about and prepared for this because I distinctly remember a moment where I thought "this is too painful, why did I decide to do this," and instantly remembered that that thought meant I was almost done! It was such a cool experience. Only minutes later I felt my body bearing down and knew she was about to be born. I vaguely remember saying that someone needed to call the doctor. Braedon helped me up and as he walked me to the bed I remember asking again, "is the doctor almost here?" They said they had called her and she was on her way (from across the street). I told them to get the other doctor because I knew she wasn't going to make it (the have a doctor there at the hospital at all times in case the delivering doctor can't make it in time). Sure enough I laid down and she was crowning. The couple of "pushes" I gave felt more painful than I remember with Alexa, and I think that's because before, when I didn't know what my body was doing, she was lower in the birth canal for longer, and came out a little easier once I actually started bearing down. But all of a sudden, there she was. This BEAUTIFUL little human that had been growing inside me for 9 months.

Looking at daddy for the first time

Probably the single most rewarding part of this whole experience was that I was SO aware of and in tune with her from the moment they handed her to me. Even just days after Alexa was born I didn't have any recollection of really holding her or our first few hours together. I think Hypnobirthing really put both her and I in a position to be aware and creating bonding memories.







Also, get this. Just MOMENTS after she was born (before the placenta was even delivered or anything else) THE POWER WENT OUT and the back-up generators didn't kick on. It was so crazy! I was extremely grateful that they didn't go out while I was still in labor. Everyone pulled out their cell phones flashlights so the doctor could navigate and finish everything up. It was quite a memorable occasion.

After I had bonding time with Libby (and the lights had come back on) Braedon was able to meet and hold her for the first time. We didn't end up deciding on her name until after 11p that night because we took some time to study her and just enjoy having her with us. 

My favorite ♥

 

Eventually we gave her up so that they could do her measurements. It was so fun to see all of the similarities between her and Alexa. Check this out!

Libby Nicole: born at 6:20p after water being broken at 4:00p. Alexa Rae: born at 7:19p after water being broken at 5:00p. I was in intense labor for exactly 2 hours 20 minutes with both of them.

Libby Nicole: 8.0 lbs. Alexa Rae: 8.3 lbs. 

Libby Nicole: 19.5 in. Alexa Rae: 19 in. 

Libby came three days before her "estimated due date" and Alexa came two days before hers.

The last step of a very big day was introducing Alexa to her new baby sister. McKenna brought her over to the hospital and we could tell immediately that she was going to love her deeply. She had said "baby seester" SO many times while I was pregnant, but when she saw Libby for the first time and said it, my heart just melted. ♥

Overall, labor/delivery with Libby was an indescribable experience. Hypnobirthing hopes to help women create pain-free labor experience. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I didn't experience pain, but it was definitely more manageable that my labor with Alexa. Not to mention the many other benefits I feel like I received from my study and preparation.

No matter what circumstances encountered when a woman labors/births it's safe to say that our bodies are divinely made and can do incredible things. Even from conception it's a miracle that something so teeny tiny can grow, inside a mother's body for months, and come out a beautiful little baby. 

Life has pretty frequently felt like chaos the last 2.5 weeks since adding another child to our family ( I'm sure I'll be writing about that soon too), but I am SO grateful to have two beautiful daughters and to be raising them with my best friend. I'm also grateful for two incredible labor/deliveries, especially because I know that things don't go as planned or even as well for a lot of other people. And there is no doubt in my mind that modern medicine blesses a lot of people through these experiences. But I REALLY hope that these posts open your mind to unmedicated birth if it's option for you. And if its not something you can or want to do then I hope you're at least more inclined to further seek for options and knowledge so that your future labors/births can be the best they can be.

Thanks for reading! ♥

Labor and Delivery: What I think everyone should know

You want to know what's been on my mind a lot? BIRTH.
This may have something to do with the fact that I'm now coming up on 39 weeks pregnant, but who knows for sure.
A few years ago when I got pregnant with my first baby, Alexa, I became interested in looking at what options I had for birthing her. In a hospital, at home, pain relief medications, no medications, etc. I watched documentaries, read books, and talked to my doctor about all my questions and his opinions on the variety of choices I had. I quickly realized how much I loved the idea of "letting my body do what it was supposed to." Birth had always seemed so natural to me, and I was fascinated with why so many people had opinions about controlling the process. I wondered if I would want to go as far as having the baby at home, but it didn't take me long to decide that I wanted to have her at the hospital.
Something I decided early on in my pregnancy is that I wanted to at least "try birthing a baby" without pain medication once in my life, and it seemed like it would make the most sense to do that the first time as opposed to using pain relief the first time and then doing it the "harder way" sometime after that. So although I was open to making adjustments during labor if I felt I needed to, I was pretty determined to just ride it out without medication.
Throughout the months of my first pregnancy I was very disappointed in two things:
1) How much ridicule I received for wanting to have a baby without pain medication. I can't tell you how many times another woman would call me "crazy" or "out of my mind" for this decision. Many women seemed to be of the opinion that if there's a drug to use, you should use it! The ironic part is that never once did I give another woman a hard time for wanting to use pain relieving medication.
2) It seemed like every woman and their dog felt the need to tell me about the horror stories of their labor. It never made sense to me why people were so willing to share the negative aspects of these things with someone they KNEW would be going through similar challenges.
So I had to make a conscious decision. Would I let others' opinions and fears determine how I was going to birth my child, or would I stand up for what my instincts told me and attempt to bring her into this world with as little assistance as possible? And I chose the latter.
My experience with having Alexa was truly incredible. I will add, however, that there were so many MORE resources I didn't know about at the time that I could have used to better prepare. Which is really the reason I'm writing this post! So first, I'm going to give you an overview of my my labor with Alexa (pros, cons, etc). I made the decision to record my labor/her birth in my journal and am SO glad I did (I just reread through it). Afterward I'm going to tell you about all I've learned since then and why I'm even more excited for this upcoming adventure!
Alexa was due on October 15, a Wednesday. On the Monday before, October 13th, I started to feel some cramping in the morning. We had plans to go down to St. George (we lived in Cedar City at the time) so we left town around 9a. I really had no idea what contractions were supposed to feel like, so I was pretty unsure of what to expect. Around 11 or 11:30a my friend Kim (who had just had her third baby) downloaded an app on my  phone and insisted I try to track the cramps/contractions. They were about 3-6 minutes apart and Kim told us we needed to head back to Cedar. I debated for over an hour before we decided to leave (at that point I hardly felt any discomfort).
We decided to run to the hospital for a quick check and then go home so I could actually pack a hospital bag, do some laundry, shower, and an ongoing list of things I planned to do before going into labor.
To my utter astonishment, when I finally had a physical exam sometime after 2pm I was completely effaced and dilated to more than a five. The nurse told us that we needed to stay. Fast forward through my hysterics of things not going quite the way I planned... and a few minutes later we had moved to another room (where I had access to a tub like I had requested). Okay, now I'm not going to give you all the details, but here are some of the basic events that followed. Around 4p I hadn't progressed much so the doctor suggested we break my water. I was EXTREMELY hesitant to do this because I was really trying to "let my body do everything on its own." After some discussion I agreed to have my water broken, which was done at 5p. Up until that point contractions had been consistent but very bearable. After my water was broken, not so much.
All of a sudden there was no relief from contractions. They were constant, one of top of another. They were strong, different than anything I had felt, and to be blunt, painful and difficult and to tolerate. I had imagined that the hot jacuzzi tub of water would help but I couldn't get comfortable in it. In fact, I ended up in a sitting position the rest of the time I was in labor. I still vividly remember saying to Braedon at one point, "I don't think I can do this." To which he cleverly replied, "well, she's going to come out anyway; you don't really have a choice." (I will talk about this moment later on because it's very important).
At a certain point I felt my body pushing, like, involuntarily PUSHING, and it freaked me out because I didn't know why it was happening and I literally couldn't control it (this is another important moment). When a nurse came to check on me and I told her about the urges I was having and she advised me not to push because last time they checked I was only at about 6 centimeters dilated. She said that she'd go get a yoga ball because she noticed I'd been sitting the whole time. From what I can guess this was probably somewhere around 7p (two hours after my water had been broken). And then the most INSANE thing happened... I reached down and felt something hard and smooth. At that moment I thought "oh my gosh, that has to be her head."
Right then the nurse came back and after telling her twice that I felt something she said we should get me to the bed to check me. She and Braedon helped me up, and when I stood up there was no doubt in my mind that that baby was right there. Sure enough, when they got me to the bed and she checked, the baby was crowning. They told me to breath through contractions and not to push (they had called my doctor and he was on the way). He arrived within ten minutes and after two strong and painful pushes, Alexa Rae Fletcher was born.
Pretty crazy, right? I definitely never imagined that it was going to happen that way. But it did! And it was an adventure for sure.
Because my labor went so well the first time I knew that I wanted to do it unmedicated again when I had another baby. I also knew that there were probably other resources I could find and use to have an even BETTER experience the next time around. So again, I started researching. When we moved to St. George two years ago I started asking around about doctors, hospitals, and birthing methods. I heard about something called Hypnobirthing: the Mongon Method and was instantly drawn to it. I decided to take a six weeks course and it literally CHANGED MY LIFE and seriously enhanced the way I view labor and birth. Here are some of the things I've learned.

There are a few things I've always felt instinctively about labor and childbirth that have been confirmed to me over the last few months throug my study of Hypnobirthing.

1) My body knows how to have a baby and the best way to have a baby is to let my body do what it's meant to do.
2) Women are bombarded with inaccurate and negative views of labor/birth via media and stories of other women.
3) Labor can be and is meant to be a beautiful experience that is anticipated with positive affirmations and excitement.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the method of Hypnobirthing, in my own words, it's basically founded around the belief that a woman's body is perfectly equipped for labor/birth and that labor is experienced best by using the mind to achieve a deep state of relaxation and using the body's natural pain relief (endorphins) to manage the discomforts of labor. Hynobirthing also uses very different terminology when referring to the aspects of labor. One example is that instead of using the word "contractions" I now use the word "surges." Throughout the few weeks I attended the class I was able to actually practice hypnobirthing (the achieving deep relaxation) and have continued to work on it since the class ended. Along with the practice I learned A LOT of things that helped me better understand some of the details of my labor with Alexa.
Going back to my first labor: I mentioned that at one point I said, "I don't think I can do this." I've since learned that around the time a woman's body feels the urge to push, the body sends out a surge of adrenaline which imitates the flight or fight response. My instructor told some hilarious stories about women going as far as to all of a sudden declaring during labor that they're leaving the hospital. Not only was this neat to learn so that I now understand why I reacted that way, but I think it will be a great tool for my upcoming labor with baby #2.
I have also learned about how important and normal it is to move into whatever position feels comfortable and right during labor, and that it's good to reposition whenever you feel like it. Previous to learning this is seemed odd that I was most comfortable sitting the first time, but now it makes much more sense.
Another thing that was confusing to me was when my body was pushing and I couldn't control it. I feel silly, but the now obvious explanation is that my body was ready to push! I think I felt I needed a nurse or doctor to tell me what was going on, but in reality, my body was just doing exactly what it needed to do. And the fact that Alexa was born just minutes later shows evidence of that. I know that now understanding this will be a HUGE help with my upcoming labor.
I also look back on the experience and think it's sort of ridiculous that the nurses instructed me not to push when I was very obviously ready. I understand that the point is for the doctor to deliver the baby, but it doesn't make sense to not push when a baby is ready to come. I have learned so much about trusting the baby to come when he/she is ready, which is why I feel that unnecessarily inducing labor doesn't make sense.

So here are some of the things I'm excited about for this time around!
1) The Hypnobirthing class has taught and allowed me to spend time and effort practicing relaxation that I will use during childbirth.
2) Here in St. George at the hospital they have two rooms called "birthing suites." These rooms look like beautiful hotel suites with a white queen-sized bed, dimming candles, options for relaxation music, and large jacuzzi tubs among other things. The rooms are meant to allow women to have an "at-home" experience while still being at the hospital. I'm very excited to use one of these rooms during my upcoming labor!
3) Braedon had the opportunity to attend a class with me where he learned about different subtle ways to assist me during labor. The first time we had no idea how he could help, but he was able to learn about some things like things to say and soft massage to help release endorphins (natural pain relief).
4) Between already having one baby and now understanding SO much more via my studies I feel much more prepared to have the kind of labor and delivery best suited for both me and my baby. I know some very specific things I want (which I'll share in my next post) and I know that I need to communicate them clearly to the nurses/doctor in order to have the experience I want.

Just to end, I do want to put a few disclaimers out there. I do understand that there are circumstances and emergencies during labor/birth that can't be controlled and that those circumstances call for intervention. However, I do also believe that intervention is far too common among situations that would play out just perfectly if they were to be left to their natural course.
The other thing I want to mention is that I highly respect all nurses and doctors who are a part of this labor/birthing process. In addition to that, the reality is that they do have agendas and schedules. It is up to YOU to fight for what you want in your own labor/birth. I recommend putting together a written birth plan and discussing it with the involved staff right away when you check in to the hospital. And if there are things recommended/suggested to you that you don't want, I think it's perfectly fine to respectfully decline and stick to your plan. NO ONE can understand your body, your desires, and your baby the way you can.

The main purpose of writing this blog post is to spread awareness and to empower women (and men) and to help them see how effective, beautiful, and amazing natural labor and childbirth can be. If ANY of this interested you at all I highly suggested you take the time to study around and study Hypnobirthing in particular.
I will be writing another post to share the story about my labor/delivery with baby #2 and I am THRILLED for the amazing experience I'm going to have! ♥

Together

I'm not exactly sure where to begin... My heart is so FULL.
Of course as a new year comes around we all have a tendency to think back on the last year of our lives. Was it good, bad, challenging, rewarding, difficult, sad, incredible, adventurous? The last few days I've seen memes splayed across Facebook about how 2016 can just die and go back to where it came from. Yikes... I've also seen lots of posts with details of what my friends did and accomplished this last year. It's been cool to get a little taste of all of the many things experienced in 2016.

Braedon and I decided to "date exclusively" on New Year's Eve of 2011. Talk about an exciting new year! That very same night we went to a party in Gunlock, UT where I met his family, friends, and basically everyone in the town and his family ward (it's not a big place). We had such an incredible time that first year that we've kept up the tradition, and every year (except one where we were traveling) we have gone and celebrated New Year's there. We were there again last night. We ate our usual yummy food, played our usual ridiculous games, took our usual badly-lit selfie, and celebrated the New York New Year (at 10pm). As everyone shouted "Happy New Year" I stood there trying to balance a paper cup full of grape Martinelli while holding a fidgety two-year old and trying to ignore the large belly and discomfort of my kicking 34-week, unborn baby girl. I've had very few occasions in my life where time just seemed to completely stop. But when Braedon looked over at me with that "I didn't forget" smile, inched closer, and kissed me sweetly on the lips, I honestly felt like we were the only people in that entire room.

2014

2016

2015

There are only two people who truly understand the significance of that moment last night: Heavenly Father, and myself. There are lots and lots of people from all walks of life who enjoy special New Year's kisses, and even the lucky ones who get to enjoy those special kisses every year. But as I was frozen in that moment I was reminded of how uniquely precious it was to be there kissing my husband. One aspect that made last night's moment so special is that the last two years at the party previous to this one were actually very painful for me. In both 2014 and 2015 I looked back at the previous year with disappointment and discouragement.

VERY few people know and/or understand the type of year that Braedon and I had in 2016. Sure, a lot of good things happened. I became licensed to teach Zumba and got to follow that passion, we had our four-year anniversary, and we even celebrated our sweet Alexa's second birthday. But despite all of the things that looked great from the outside, there were a lot of heart-breaking things going on inside our marriage and our home. And although we've been struggling for a few years, I spent a lot of time in 2016 not even knowing if we'd be together to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new one. If any of you reading this have ever suffered so greatly in your marriage that you didn't know where you'd end up, you may understand how terrifying it is to wonder if you're going to be able to hold your family together.

I know this is about as intimate as you can get in a blog post, and obviously I want to keep a lot of the details private. But one thing that has been pressing on my heart and mind is the need to share with friends, family, strangers, or really ANYONE about the one thing that I believe saved our marriage.

We learned to be friends again.

Maybe you're thinking, "we're so far past that." Or "there's been too much damage, I can never heal." Maybe the idea of being friends with your spouse feels so out of reach right now that you don't even know how you would start. Trust me, I've been there. But as we sat in a therapist's office a few months ago and he gave us the advice to start dating again and learn to be friends, I felt that it was our last shot to make things work, and I was desperate to do anything.

Because of all the crazy crap that had messed up our relationship within the last few years there were some serious things that needed working through, but we lacked a base of trust and respect for each other. So I spent countless hours over months and years desperately trying to communicate with Braedon and fix the issues that were tearing us apart. But how do you work through problems that big without a foundation? You don't. You CAN'T. 

That morning when we left the therapist's office I didn't really know what the heck I was supposed to do now. We got into the car and sat there for a minute, us awkwardly silent in the front and Alexa obliviously strapped into her car seat in the back. After a while Braedon said, "can I take you guys to breakfast?" It seriously took me off guard. But I smiled and told him I'd really like that. He took me to IHOP so that I could get my favorite breakfast, crepes. And over a plate of crepes we started to rebuild a very broken relationship. (I'm crying as I'm writing this, in case you wanted to know). 

Picture this: If you ever went on one of those awkward first dates where you didn't really know what to say or weren't sure if you would click with the other person... it felt like that but times 100, because my awkward first date was actually my husband of four plus years and there was a LOT of baggage. I was afraid to say the wrong thing, make the wrong joke, or bring up the wrong topic. It was a situation full of hope but also anxiety and discomfort. I remember laughing at Alexa's sweet little face COVERED in blueberries. We learned that day how much she loves pancakes. I don't really remember what Braedon and I talked about. I think we filled the time with small talk or even things about Alexa, but nothing about us. And that's okay, because that's where we were at that time.

Over the last few months I've seen my relationship with Braedon blossom into something I never even IMAGINED was possible. It seems almost daily I am taken aback by things he says, compliments he gives me, service he renders, sweet words of encouragement, and those little moments where I stop to look at him and feel like the breath is knocked right out of me. I feel myself falling in love all over again, and it's almost incomprehensible to me. 

No other caption but "Pure Joy" seems to fit

Words can not describe how proud I am of him for all of the changes he's making and will continue to make. He speaks to me more kindly, listens more intently, and loves me more fully. And one of my VERY favorite things is that we laugh together now, ALL THE TIME. That's something I missed so so much. I missed staying up late to cuddle and giggle and love my best friend. We talk about dreams and goals and self-improvement and God and our future. Those were all things that felt impossible to talk about just a few short months ago. Also, I desperately hope that I'm making noticeable changes to allow him to feel as loved and cherished and he's working to make me feel. Sometimes I don't think he even realizes how much better life has been for me because of the changes he's making. 

So babe, if you read this, I hope you get at least a glimpse of how the last few months have changed my life and saved our family. ♥ I don't know how to adequately thank you, but I plan to spend the rest of forever trying to figure it out.

On Christmas day this year we opened presents at my mom's house. She has gotten me a variety of beautiful family-based Willow Tree statues over the years. Even before the paper was off I knew I was opening a Willow Tree box and I was thrilled. As I pulled the statue of the man and woman out the description tag fell onto my lap.

It read, "Together." 

Immediately tears began to stream down my face. Braedon did that thing where he gives me the look to tease me for crying and I did that thing back where I fake pretend like I'm not crying. I hugged my mom and told her thank you, and I'm sure everyone in the room thought I was having some weird surge of pregnancy hormones. But in reality, I sat there in complete awe and gratitude because we WERE together. Not only were we still "together" from a marriage standpoint, but we were "together" as friends, as lovers, as eternal companions, and ultimately, as a family.   

One thing I can say without a doubt is that the year 2016 brought me more heart-ache, frustration, worry, fear, desperation, tears, pain, trial, and sorrow than I ever hoped a year would bring me. It also brought me patience, resilience, joy, prayer, humility, relief, and hope. It brought me close to my Savior in a way I'll never be able to describe. Not only did He help me get through the times I thought I might lose my family unit, but He also helped me be brave when it was time for things to get better, when it was time to let go and heal. I still feel Him helping me through that daily. I am also IMMENSELY grateful for my Heavenly Father and His perfect plan, which I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life trying to understand. I am so grateful for 1) my sweet little girl(s) and 2) the priesthood power which allowed us to be sealed as a family forever. I know that both of these things have played a significant part in strengthening our family. .

Even though we often don't see the challenges is others' lives from the outside, I know that some of you who stumble across this article may be struggling in your marriage. I want to boldly declare that miracles CAN and DO happen. If you feel like your marriage is beyond repair I strongly encourage you to try your very best to start again from the beginning. Go on dates, tell jokes, have fun together, and try to fall in love again. I understand that these things can't and won't save every marriage, but I also know that it saved mine.

Braedon and I still have a lot to figure out, there's no doubt about that. But we have stepped out of a very dark place and are hand-in-hand, laughing together, and walking toward the light. Even though we've been through hell and back about 5,000 times in the last four and a half years I can feel so deep within me that we are an incredible couple and are going to do amazing things together. There is so much greatness in store for us in 2017, and I'm beyond grateful to have my best friend by my side.