It was July 28th, a day I’d been looking forward to for months. Once a year dance instructors from all over Utah meet together for National Dance Day and have a huge outdoor dance party in St. George. We were up first, and as soon as I got done instructing with my other VASA friends I walked my husband and little girls to the car and thanked them for coming. The moment they pulled away I felt that sickening and familiar emotion rise up. So I walked back toward the crowd and did my best to shove the feelings down inside. I tried to dance, but my body moved slower than normal and my head was fuzzy. When the song ended I walked back to my car and got inside. To avoid trying to explain why I showed up at home so early I decided to instead escape my emotions by going shopping.
As I looked through the necklaces and bracelets I knew that I really wanted to find something that would mean something to me; I’m sentimental like that. At first I was excited by beautiful rose gold pieces and shiny silver charms, but then my eyes wandered to a group of jewelry with words. As I read the word “Inspire” I felt my stomach churn. Anyone walking by probably just saw a girl in exercise clothes checking out some jewelry, but inside I broke down and was painfully and acutely aware of feeling so far away from the me I love. I wouldn’t even touch the bracelet; it just hung there mocking me. Lately, I was most certainly not a girl who would “inspire.” I wasn’t strong or courageous. I didn’t have “girl power” and I wasn’t a “boss babe.” I was an empty shell staring at a jewelry rack. And then my eyes caught a glimpse of a thin, gold bracelet with a few tiny words imprinted in it. “<3 I am loved <3” Ya’ll, if I wouldn’t have been scared of another human coming up to me in that moment I would’ve probably dropped to my knees and started bawling. I slipped the bracelet off of its packaging and put it on my wrist. This was the one.
A little over a month ago I started feeling deeply and hopelessly depressed. One of the hardest things about this trial has been something I’ve never experienced before: loss of interest in things you normally love. On this specific night, after a few weeks (which seemed like much longer) of debilitating depression I was feeling pretty exhausted with the whole thing. I couldn’t even get myself to stay at a DANCE PARTY. In case you don’t know, I LOVE me a good dance party. I’ve been so tired with feeling so far away from the “me” that I know and love. And in the midst of all my self-pity and lack of faith I found the words “I am loved.” I finally caught a breath of fresh air as I stopped thinking about all the things I lacked and began thinking about the infinite love that God has for me.
And in that moment it didn’t matter how much of a mess I was, what bad choices I’d made, or the instability of my emotions, what mattered was that I remembered that someone, and not just any someone, was extending his perfect love through a simple and beautiful moment in time.
At this point in my life, I feel like the most sacred and hopeful part of my journey to discover the fullness of God’s love is that it’s not something I can mess up (and that’s great news for me because I feel like I’m messing a lot of stuff up right now). I will never be in a place where I’m TOO FAR out for his love to reach me. Is it important that I strive to make good choices and be a disciple of Christ? Absolutely. But he’s always there to love me, even in the moments I can’t love myself.
A few weeks ago during a Sunday School discussion I posed a sincere and deeply vulnerable question to the class. I asked, “what if you’re in this weird place where you’ve made a poor decision, and you know that you want to and should repent, but you don’t feel ready to?” There are no words that can describe what came next. The comments, feedback, and feelings from the people in that room were full of love, acceptance, empathy, and support. I didn’t feel even one drop of judgement, and after class multiple people came to talk to me about things they’d been through. A few days ago as I told my best friend this story she said it reminded her of a scripture.
Moses 7:18 “and the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind...”
In the most beautiful way I felt “as one” with the people around me, and they helped remind me that we’re all moving through a difficult and imperfect journey together. It was a tender and special experience where God gave me an opportunity to see that I’m loved by those around me too.
I truly feel like love is saving me right now. I have felt inexplicable love from my parents, my husband and children, my ward members, my bishop, my family, my friends, my therapist, my Savior, and especially from my Heavenly Father, whose plan of happiness makes all of these other experiences with love possible. I often have moments where I let my gratitude slip away and feel utterly alone, but in these moments I can look down at my gold bracelet to remember that “I am loved.”
