Life's Lessons : July 2016

A few weeks ago I spent almost a week in Layton at my parents' home. They were visiting Germany (awesome, right?) and needed someone to look after their two pups. I literally had five days of zero obligations except for, of course, taking care of Lexa.

I had a very specific vision of how I was going to spend those five days. I planned to do a lot of reading, self-improvement work, and soul searching. I would make great meals for myself every day and go to the gym. I would visit lots of friends from high school that still live up in the area. Alexa and I would play outside lots and I'd have this super-productive, be a great mom, see lots of people, conquer the world kind of week. You wanna know what happened? Pretty much none of that. Except for going to the gym every day so... kudos to me there.

What actually happened is that my body (physical, mental, spiritual, all of it) basically went into full-on shut down mode. Have you ever endured something so painful and so difficult for so long that eventually you just... can't? Well, that's what happened. I didn't feel like I could put the effort into reading and thinking, or cooking, or hardly even getting ready each day. And because of this I began to feel guilt and regret. How could I waste this chance to make so many good things happen? But you guys... I seriously just didn't feel like I could do all the things I wanted to.

And then I had this amazing moment. I realized that I could change my plan, and that it was okay not to live up to my own expectations. Talk about a breath of fresh air. And so my mission for myself changed. Instead of hard work and productivity and accomplishment I had this divine thought, "do things that make you happy." At first it kind of threw me off guard, because I thought I HAD made plans to do things that would make me happy. But after taking a few minutes to just ponder and let it set in I realized that the satisfaction of the next few days would be something different than I had planned, but very uniquely rewarding for me.

So I pulled out my journal and made a list called "DOING THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD." I wrote as many things as I could think of that would bring me joy.. Here's my list.

☑️-get a pedicure (and use a nail polish color that's out of my comfort zone)

take pictures with Lexa

☑️-go to Costco or Sam's Club and try some of their cheap food that everyone talks about
☑️-take lots of baths in the master bedroom jetted tub
-write a blog post
-read a good book
☑️-try different exercise classes (yoga, zumba, pilates)
-watch a romantic comedy
☑️-see old friends
☑️-visit family
☑️-get my favorite Coldstone creation (sweet cream with raspberries and almonds)
☑️-take pictures with Lexa
☑️-do my makeup

find a willow tree

☑️-don't do my makeup
☑️-sleep with Lexa
☑️-do something nostalgic
-eat either Chinese or Thai food
☑️-go to a movie in the theaters (indulge in popcorn, chocolate almonds, and soda)
☑️- find a willow tree and take a picture
☑️-buy some new clothes

I didn't do everything on my list and the great thing was that I didn't feel like I had to. Here's the thing about a silly list. I was making conscious, daily efforts to bring joy into my life. I was re-learning how to be happy and to love the little things about myself, and it was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I don't plan on having weeks like this very often where it's "all about me" but I do think it was a great kick start to this new journey I'm on.

I feel sad to have come to the realization that there are parts of me, parts I love, that have slipped away. A lot of this has been because of circumstances in my life, but it's also been because I've allowed it to happen. I feel VERY grateful for the chance I had to remember some of those quirky aspects of who I am and start to rebuilt. I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just a few years ago. In some ways that's incredible because I've grown but in some ways it's also heart-breaking. And now it's like I'm trying to craft a new puzzle of myself, fitting all these new pieces with old pieces of me too. And I'm hoping that with God's help through healing and prayer and hard work and seeking truth, eventually, I'm going to be able to make a really beautiful creation.