It's about to get real personal up in here. So if that's not what you're looking for, please exit the blog post now.
I have been battling disorders with eating for almost ten years now. I didn't realize it had been going on so long until last week when I was sitting in a counselor's office and he asked me when this all began. The mistake I continue to make is that I keep thinking that at some point this trial will just *poof*. Disappear. For some reason when I'm in a healthy place I feel like it will never be an issue again. And then I fall. Although the specifics of my challenge can be very detailed, that's not what I'm here to tell you about. I want to express to you the positive experiences with trials and turning outward. That is my focus and my intention. I pray that someone who reads this will be strengthened and find peace in the battle.
Not this last December but the December before I was in a very bad place for a few weeks. I was terrified to a new level because if I was not eating it not only meant being unwell physically and emotionally but it also meant I could accidentally prevent myself from becoming pregnant. We had made the decision to start adding to our family and it felt right and I was overjoyed but this challenge was a road block in a very important plan. To put it simply: eating disorder = addiction. I believe that one of the hardest thing about addiction is it makes you illogical. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to become pregnant, I wanted to make good choices, I wanted to feel close to my Heavenly Father but all of these things seem to lose importance in the middle of acting on the addiction. I was INCREDIBLY blessed to find out on February 7th (just two months later) that I was pregnant. I feel that finding out was a very unique experience for me. I had missed a period, sort of, and though the little thought of pregnancy dangled in the back of my mind I decided not to get my hopes up. A few days later I sporatically took a test and I could hardly believe it as two pink lines appeared. I walked into the kitchen and stared at the clock for three minutes, you know, to make sure the results were accurate! The moment I went back and confirmed that the test indeed said pregnant I walked into our room and fell to my knees in tears. (I am crying as I'm typing this) I felt like Heavenly Father was holding me in His arms saying, "I am trusting you with this little tiny baby. You can do it."
Being pregnant with Alexa was literally one of the most difficult things I have ever physically done. However, I was blessed with emotional relief from issues with food. Although I was often not hungry and/or sick, the mental part of eating was not difficult. For nine months I enjoyed the bliss that was feeling "normal." Even when Alexa was born I continued to have it easy. Only 16 days after her birth I was right back down to my normal weight. I almost forgot what is was like to struggle because things were so good for so long. Now, I should clarify that this addiction happens for a variety of reasons. Eating disorders are not always about how the addict feels about themselves. It can be body image issues but it can also be a desire for control in an unstable environment and many other things. For me it is a combination. When I relapsed last month I really made up for the many months that I hadn't been struggling. I fell HARD.
Have you ever obsessed about something before? Every moment of every day has been tracking food and feeling guilty and counting calories and numbers on scales and working out and so many things that aren't even worth talking about. My point is that I have quite literally been CONSUMED in this. For me, the absolute worst part of this struggle is that it makes me turn inward. Everything is about me, how I feel, how I look, what I want, what I think, what I have to do. It feeds the selfish part of the natural man. When I went and visited with Laura, my mother-in-law, two weeks ago she mentioned to me about how the Savior always "turned outward" during His afflictions. I sat there and thought, that is absolutely impossible for me to do right now. The same day as I counseled with my bishop about this particular issue he said something simply profound. He told me that many of us "believe in Christ" but we often forget to "believe Christ." I realized that in doubting my ability to climb out of pit I had dug I was doubting Christ's ability to lift me.
On Sunday this last week my friend Darillyn shared a scripture from Preach My Gospel that brought the Spirit so strongly it broke me down. "You are not authorized nor are you qualified to judge yourself. Jesus Christ paid the price to do that. Let Him... Plead for for Him to judge you. He will judge with gentleness and a perfect understanding of you and your circumstances... stop it. Judge not." I have spent a lot of time judging myself by very unacceptable standards, worldly standards, and this quote reminded me that Christ will judge me the way I should be judged. The the following hour in Relief Society we discussed the difference aspects of repentance. As I sat there thinking about how I had been abusing myself mentally, physically, spiritually I realized that repentance would be a key part of my recovery. But I just didn't know where to start. And frankly, something scared me about figuring out how to be okay again. I didn't want to stop even though I knew I needed to.
On Monday morning this week I read a talk by Elder Bednar called The Character of Christ (which Laura emailed to me). I understand that there is no way I will be able to describe to you the things I felt or the promptings I received. I cried. I cried the whole time I read the talk. Something Elder Bednar says is that we need to "get over ourselves." Now, I am not undermining the importance of taking care of myself. I know that seeking counseling and learning how to better cope with these challenges are vital aspects of being healthy. But I seriously need to get over myself! It's not all about me. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the WORLD, and in His eyes, it was never all about Him. The nature of Christ is that He always turns outward. Always. Elder Bednar articulates this concept in a beautiful way that calls us to action.
There are so many things I don't know. I don't know why I struggle with this. I don't know how I have such a beautiful, strong body that allows me to do so many wonderful things yet I still abuse it. I don't know why I can feel so good and happy one minute and so awful the next. I don't know why this is something I can never overcome, only maintain. What I do know is that my Savior knows and loves me more than I can comprehend. (I'm crying again) I know that He wants me to learn to be like Him: to turn outward, to serve and love others. I know that the only way to truly be happy is to seek His guidance on a regular basis. The few experiences over the last week that have helped me transitioned into a healthier place have ALL been because the Spirit has testified to me of these truths. That shows me that without seeking guidance I have a much smaller chance of being healthy and happy.
I hope that you will turn to your Savior. He loves you dearly and is waiting to help you. Please read this talk by Elder Bednar. I promise that it will lift you up and give you strength to be better. I testify that Jesus Christ can do anything. Believe Him. He has felt every pain that you are feeling and he knows how to help you carry your burdens.
I also want to say thank you so much to my ward family. We moved into the Bloomington Hills 3rd ward in December so we are fairly new. I have never felt so loved and supported by a group of people. Your comments have inspired me and your compliments have helped increased my self-worth. Thank you for your righteousness. I love you.
