Re-learning how to be happy

A few weeks ago I spent almost a week in Layton at my parents' home. They were visiting Germany (awesome, right?) and needed someone to look after their two pups. I literally had five days of zero obligations except for, of course, taking care of Lexa.

I had a very specific vision of how I was going to spend those five days. I planned to do a lot of reading, self-improvement work, and soul searching. I would make great meals for myself every day and go to the gym. I would visit lots of friends from high school that still live up in the area. Alexa and I would play outside lots and I'd have this super-productive, be a great mom, see lots of people, conquer the world kind of week. You wanna know what happened? Pretty much none of that. Except for going to the gym every day so... kudos to me there.

What actually happened is that my body (physical, mental, spiritual, all of it) basically went into full-on shut down mode. Have you ever endured something so painful and so difficult for so long that eventually you just... can't? Well, that's what happened. I didn't feel like I could put the effort into reading and thinking, or cooking, or hardly even getting ready each day. And because of this I began to feel guilt and regret. How could I waste this chance to make so many good things happen? But you guys... I seriously just didn't feel like I could do all the things I wanted to.

And then I had this amazing moment. I realized that I could change my plan, and that it was okay not to live up to my own expectations. Talk about a breath of fresh air. And so my mission for myself changed. Instead of hard work and productivity and accomplishment I had this divine thought, "do things that make you happy." At first it kind of threw me off guard, because I thought I HAD made plans to do things that would make me happy. But after taking a few minutes to just ponder and let it set in I realized that the satisfaction of the next few days would be something different than I had planned, but very uniquely rewarding for me.

So I pulled out my journal and made a list called "DOING THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD." I wrote as many things as I could think of that would bring me joy.. Here's my list.

☑️-get a pedicure (and use a nail polish color that's out of my comfort zone)

take pictures with Lexa

☑️-go to Costco or Sam's Club and try some of their cheap food that everyone talks about
☑️-take lots of baths in the master bedroom jetted tub
-write a blog post
-read a good book
☑️-try different exercise classes (yoga, zumba, pilates)
-watch a romantic comedy
☑️-see old friends
☑️-visit family
☑️-get my favorite Coldstone creation (sweet cream with raspberries and almonds)
☑️-take pictures with Lexa
☑️-do my makeup

find a willow tree

☑️-don't do my makeup
☑️-sleep with Lexa
☑️-do something nostalgic
-eat either Chinese or Thai food
☑️-go to a movie in the theaters (indulge in popcorn, chocolate almonds, and soda)
☑️- find a willow tree and take a picture
☑️-buy some new clothes

I didn't do everything on my list and the great thing was that I didn't feel like I had to. Here's the thing about a silly list. I was making conscious, daily efforts to bring joy into my life. I was re-learning how to be happy and to love the little things about myself, and it was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I don't plan on having weeks like this very often where it's "all about me" but I do think it was a great kick start to this new journey I'm on.

I feel sad to have come to the realization that there are parts of me, parts I love, that have slipped away. A lot of this has been because of circumstances in my life, but it's also been because I've allowed it to happen. I feel VERY grateful for the chance I had to remember some of those quirky aspects of who I am and start to rebuilt. I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was just a few years ago. In some ways that's incredible because I've grown but in some ways it's also heart-breaking. And now it's like I'm trying to craft a new puzzle of myself, fitting all these new pieces with old pieces of me too. And I'm hoping that with God's help through healing and prayer and hard work and seeking truth, eventually, I'm going to be able to make a really beautiful creation.

sleep with Lexa

do something nostalgic

get favorite Coldstone creation

try Sam's Club cheap food

do my makeup

get a pedicure

buy new clothes

go to a movie in theaters and indulge

visit friends

Love You Forever ♥

It's amazing how Mother's Day came and went so quickly. There were a lot of things that made the day unique like getting totally spoiled by Braedon and taking a lot of time to reflect on my mothers and how much they've influenced my life. However, one thing made the day just like every other. I thought about how much I have loved being a mom.

I don't think I can accurately express how much being a mother to Alexa has blessed my life. There are all these CRAZY fun things that I live through every day. I love how she makes the noises when I say the names of animals. Right now she does kitty, pup, bear, cow, and lizard (she sticks her tongue in and out). I've painted her nails twice, which looks SO adorable but it's exhausting... so most of the time I don't feel up to it. I love and hate when she gives me that devious look and I know she's about to run; it's a blast when we're in the house but super dangerous if we're outside. It drives me crazy how she takes her shoes off in the car. Every. Single. Time!

She points and says "baby" every time she sees any small child and loves to give them hugs. She giggles when I do "itsy bitsy spider" and "patty cake." I love how we walk in the door and she runs around searching and saying "daddy, daddy" over and over. I like that I drop her off at the gym daycare and she never looks back. She runs straight to the slide, climbs in, and slides down yelling "weee!" I love the times when she wakes up from a nap and instead of crying I hear her making sweet noises. I picture her exactly as she is when I open the door, standing up, holding onto the rails, and dancing and singing to her little music maker.

The way her nose crinkles when she smiles makes my heart sort of... ache with happiness. She's so free and alive and curious and intelligent. I honestly feel like I learn something new every day as I watch her learn about the world around her. And does it blow my mind when I see pictures of her from six months ago and she looks completely different? Yes! But I can honestly say that I never think "I wish she'd stay this little." Watching her grow is one of the most incredible things I've experienced in my life. I could go on and on about all the wonder she brings into our home.

All of these daily things make for a crazy good life. And don't get me wrong, being a mother has also been extremely challenging. Sometimes when I'm trying to clean or put clothes away or sweep I hear myself thing, "Alexa, I swear if you open that drawer one more time..." But then I get over it. Because she's a toddler and I love her and we're trying to figure it out together!

I have come to understand our Heavenly Father's plan with a depth I never knew I could feel. The family unit is SO divine. He knew how much joy we could have here on earth is we chose to raise a family and then were able to be with them forever. And that is what I want for myself. Through all the craziness and trials and pain and heart-ache I am constantly reminded that the joy and smiles and eternal happiness will be forever greater.

Another amazing thing I've gained through having a child is an even stronger desire to continue growing our family. I always knew that I wanted to have a baby, and was so excited to do it, but since carrying Alexa, birthing her, and raising her the last 20 months I have learned that it is SO MUCH GREATER than I ever imagined. And that just gets me more and more excited about the future.

There's this cliche phrase about being able to love your children in a way you never knew possible, but I totally get it now. The sacrifice and work and time and effort and frustration and somehow loving it all is such a unique experience. I can not thank my Heavenly Father enough for entrusting me with such a sweet spirit, but I'm going to spend the rest of my forever trying to show Him.

The mother life is a good one.
xox

Because sometimes you just can't figure it out so you write about it instead

I stood up from the cold, hard tile and rested my hands on the granite counter. As I looked in the bathroom mirror with tears streaming down my face I silently thought "God, how did I get here again?"

The last few weeks have been filled with so many negative emotions: guilt, secrecy, disappointment, disconnectedness, shame, and worst of all, helplessness.

A few weeks ago (on April 11) I finally verbalized to my best friend McKenna the struggles I've been having in relation to food, this competition, and my self-worth. Although at that point I was at my lowest weight so far in the competition (138. lbs, which I haven't weighed since Jr. High), and even though I was having success and working hard, I felt so EMPTY.

Here are my journal entries. I never intended to share them but it's the most honest way I can express how I've been feeling.

April 4:
"However, I feel the good motivators slipping away... and it's leaving me with this... empty feeling. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I want to be skinny more than I want to be healthy... I feel like my self-worth is based on my ability to lose weight... I'm feeling less and less beautiful by the day.
I feel obsessed with looks. Take another picture of myself. And another. And another until I'm satisfied. Whose standards am I trying to meet? Mine? My perception of others' standards? I'm exhausted... and the worst part is that for some reason I feel stuck and unable to reach out to God for help.

April 5:
"I'm struggling so much with keeping food down. Although I don't feel completely out of control with what I'm eating I still am lacking the control I've had the last week or so. And then I feel like I need to get it out of my body... I feel guilt, shame, and fear. Despite having a lot of food at dinner I did an ab workout. It was neat because of my dedication, but also sad because I did it more out of fear and obligation than anything."

April 11:
"Man, I feel a little bit crazy... I want to lose weight and win this competition so bad that I'm starting to feel pretty obsessed. And I mean sometimes you do have to get obsessed in order to succeed at hard things, but it's important to be healthy too... Anyway, I'm just really exhausted from taking pictures (so many pictures) of myself and buying clothes to look good and trying to post great things on FB and have a perfectly clean home and all of these stupidly artificial things I'm doing to try and feel happy and good about myself. But everything just seems to leave me feeling more and more empty..."

I truly believe there are few things as deeply painful as feeling out of control in your own body. I feel so strongly that my body is truly a temple. I want to care for it and have the Spirit with me and be physically and mentally strong so that I can be the very best me. But then I also have these awful addictions and distortions that lead me to hurt the very thing I want to take care of.

So now... I just don't know what to do. I meet with a therapist weekly and this past week we discussed the things I'm going through. I didn't want to, because I knew exactly what he was going to say (this man is wise beyond his years, seriously, he's never led me astray). "Quit the competition" he said. I told him that I wasn't willing to do that, and then he proceeded to tell me that that means I don't want to overcome this addiction bad enough then. And as crappy as that is to hear, he must be right. As you will know if you read my blog, I've had issues with food for a long, long time. It's one of my top ongoing battles. When I started this competition my therapist warned me that a focus on losing weight could lead me to a bad place again.

But do you know what I really want? I just want to be healthy AND do well in this competition. I don't want to sacrifice my health and well-being to win, but I also REALLY don't want to quit. This past week I've been so overwhelmed at times that I let myself think "just remove yourself from the competition, it's okay." But then I start picturing it and I realize that I'll feel awful about myself if I don't finish it out.

I don't know what to do. I'm also at a difficult place now because I have set myself back SO far. Since my therapy session last week I've been able to reconnect with Heavenly Father better and in turn I have been able to keep all the food down that I've eaten. But unfortunately, because I have continued to cope with feelings by binging I've gained nearly 10 lbs in two weeks. So now I REALLY don't want to "quit" because I'll feel like I'm literally just giving up.

I also can't ignore the fact that I'm not in this alone. Because I've been doing online accountability for literally four months now I'm very aware of my example to others and how if I do quit I'm not just quitting on myself, but quitting on others. And I know a lot of people are going to read this and then think and/or take the time to tell me I should quit anyway for the sake of my health, but if it's not what I ultimately decide for myself then I'm not going to do it just because others tell me to.

This blog post isn't very cohesive, I'm just trying to figure out what the heck to do. Today was actually the first really good day in weeks. I ate when I was hungry, I never ate past full, I chose good, yummy foods, and I exercised because I WANTED to and not because I felt like I had to. So maybe this little glimmer of hope is going to be a turning point, who knows?

Up until a few weeks ago I felt like this competition was a very rewarding thing. Even when I had the set back at week 16 and was back up to my starting point I lost the weight again through healthy means. But the last few weeks I have often wondered if this is all going to be worth it in the end.

I can't help but feel so frustrated. I go through periods where I am so emotionally and physically healthy. I eat right and love it, exercise and love it, sleep enough and love it. But then it's like a switch flips and I am eating everything and everything and sick all the time. That day when I looked myself in the mirror, and many other times when I'm out of control, I think "am I ever going to get this figured out?" I compare myself when I'm healthy to when I'm not and I can barely believe it; it's like I'm a completely different person.

I also want to say that I'm sure there are plenty of the 23 people in this competition who are not experiencing the same things as me. A weight-loss competition doesn't necessarily "make" someone go to unhealthy extremes, but as my therapist talked to me about, because of my unhealthy tendencies/obsessions with food I'm not the best candidate for this sort of competition. And I'm not really one to wish I were someone else, but man, sometimes I REALLY wish I didn't have this issues so I could compete in a healthier way.

I guess I just want to say that there are always going to be times in our lives when we're not sure what to do, and I'm obviously going through one of those times right now. This post is extremely intimate and difficult to share, I do worry about all of the naturally judgmental things that others will think of me, and I know I've judged myself in every way possible. When I read in my journal about things like taking a billion pictures of myself it makes me sick to my stomach because that's NOT ME, it's not the real me. I also know that reading about a struggle this severe isn't exactly a mood-booster. But I hope that maybe someone will read this and be able to relate to it, maybe in some struggle they're experiencing. Even though it's hard, it's okay that we don't always have things figured out. And I've often experienced the beautiful ways that vulnerability can bless my life.

If I'm as difficulty honest as possible I know that what it really comes down to is trusting in the Lord and putting my faith in him. If I were able to do that perfectly then he'd never lead me astray and my life map wouldn't look so much like a dang theme park roller coaster. But I'm human, so I get caught up in my way and my time frame and my expectations.

And I guess all I can do is keep moving forward and keep trying to be better. Thank goodness that God loves me and that he has mastered the perfection of patience.

I hope you got something. xox

Today: happy me, grateful for a break from the storm.

A Different Kind of Valentine's

This has been on my heart and mind for quite some time but it never felt right to share it. All of a sudden it just seemed to make sense today, so here I am.

Today was a different kind of Valentine's.

Today I was not head over heels in love. Today I did not have breakfast in bed. Today I didn't wake up with butterflies in my stomach.

And so, today was a different kind of Valentine's.

Last night as I was scrolling through my FB feed I struggled with feelings of jealousy as I saw couple after couple with pictures of flowers and chocolates and dates and "my prince charming" and "best wife ever" and on and on. I let myself wonder how all of these couples are so perfectly happy with their perfect dates and perfect hair and perfect relationships. It took me a few minutes before I remembered, oh yeah, no couple is perfect.

I want to take the time to tell you about the Valentine's date Braedon and I had this year. We had a sitter for Alexa for three hours on Thursday night because I traveled up north for the greater part of the weekend. Braedon took me to Benja's, my FAVORITE restaurant. Gosh, I love Thai food. We spent way more than we ever do on dinner, ordered tons of new things, and took home left-overs.

After that he had a surprise for me. He took me to a clothing store and told me to go wild! He tried on a few things but he really spent the majority of our time there (and at the second store) handing me clothes in the dressing room, looking for things for me, and giving me honest opinions about the outfits. I really was and am so much more grateful than I can express for all he did for me. It was a sacrifice for him and I ended up with lots of new items. At this particular time it was not only a treat to get new things but also an essential as all the jeans I'm currently wearing don't fit.  

We were on a time frame so we picked up Alexa and then finished our date by picking up cookies at my favorite local bakery and watching a movie on our blow-up mattress at home. And maybe all this sounds pretty ordinary, but I can honestly say it was one of the best nights of my life. Something that's also true is that the night wasn't perfect. We got into an argument on the way do dinner and both felt tense when we arrived. We had some issues figuring out how much we should spend on our meal. Jean shopping is always a struggle for me, so part of the time I was frustrated with trying on 20 pairs of pants and only finding one that fit. The end of shopping was stressful because we were late to pick up Alexa, and we got in another argument. And I was worried about staying up too late because I worked the next morning and then was going to travel right after and had a huge weekend of training ahead.  At one point during our date I even felt bummed that I hadn't thought to take any pictures. I felt so beautifully done up and we rarely take pictures together... But then I realized that I had forgotten to take a picture because I was so busy living in and enjoying the moment.

For the sake of memory we snapped one just before watching the movie. And I love it.

Life is not always as smooth as we would like for it to be. In fact, I think it rarely is. Just a few days after an incredible night with my husband I saw all these Valentine posts on FB and felt sad and disappointed. And why is that? It's because I can only see the pretty parts of their lives. And from my end of the screen, they sure do look flawless.

Very few of you know or understand what the last year and a half of mine and Braedon's lives have ACTUALLY looked like (and boy, I hope he'll forgive me for getting personal here). I'm sure you know a lot about some of the incredible things like our success in business, our health goals, our beautiful daughter, etc. Those things are very real and fulfilling. In contrast, we have both made serious mistakes and struggled with addictions that have put each other through more pain and suffering than I could have ever imagined feeling in a marriage.

And so this Valentine's is a different kind of Valentine's. It's being celebrated with a lot of scars and two fragile hearts. But despite all of the difficulties I've endured, the pain I've felt, the disappointed I've dealt with, I can declare boldly that I feel a love I can barely understand or express. Braedon and I may have suffered great pain in our marriage but we are passionately committed to one another. I never knew how fully I could love and how much I'd be willing to sacrifice my pride until I had to do it to be happy, and I know that Braedon has done the same for me.

I do also want to bear my testimony about eternal families and the power of being sealed in the temple. I do not mean to say that every couple who has been sealed in the temple will or should stay together. However, I have received spiritual confirmation time and time again that we are continuing on through these trials together because we made a very serious decision to be married through the power of the priesthood and to create a family based on the idea that we would be willing to endure these things with eternity as our end goal. As I reflect on what we've been through I do not believe that we would still be a family had we not decided to make and keep those covenants, and I feel extremely blessed to know that our Heavenly Father loves us and gave us temples so that we may have eternal success.

I sincerely hope that you had the opportunity to ponder and celebrate the ones you love today. I hope you continue to learn to love more fully and more perfectly. And I hope that even if this was a "different kind of Valentine's" for you, that you are still finding joy in the journey.

Trin xox

In case you forgot...

Dear friends (real life ones and FB alike), I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this. It's just been sort of, scratching to get out for the last 12 hours or so. I guess this is a post to remind you that things are not usually as good as they seem, in case you forgot.

I guess this is a post to tell you about me. People always use this phrase "trying to figure out who I am." And when I hear it, it seems so cliche. But now I'm sitting here typing and realizing that I am just trying so darn hard to figure out who I am... who I want to be.

So if you've been following me on Facebook, you will know that I'm the girl who is working REALLY hard to win a weight loss competition. You will also know that I'm the girl who goes to the gym every day. Today, I'm the girl who had a fun photo shoot in a beautiful dress and pointe shoes. Today, I'm the girl who posted the most adorable video of my 15-month-old hugging and kissing a Valentine's Bear. I'm the girl who posts motivating quotes and step counts from my Fitbit. And all of these things ARE me. They are true and legitimate and lovely.

But I am also the girl who cried herself to sleep around 12a this morning. I'm the girl who has spent the last three days literally eating nothing but sugar. I'm the girl who has temporarily fallen back into a trap with food so deep that I am sick to my stomach and sick in my heart. I'm the girl who has so much control and none at all as I spend money I didn't budget to eat food that I don't even actually want. I'm the girl who usually reads instead of watching movies but just spent six hours of my life in front of a screen so I could "escape". this. food.

I want to talk to everyone I see one minute and hide in my room the next. Maybe none of this is making sense... but it makes sense to me. I want to be inspiring and strong but sometimes I'm just not, and I don't need to be disappointed in myself for that.

I guess these parts of me of sort of like when a girl takes off her makeup. Half of her face has just been rubbed clean. It's raw and imperfect but still really beautiful. Then there's still half of her face with makeup. It's bolder and it glows and it's the real her, just like the side without makeup, but the two halves look really different, even though they're one.

Accountability is a difficult thing (if you've followed me you know it's what I'm all into right now). Today as I sat on the floor eating a Dairy Queen shake I told myself that I needed to go to the garbage can and take a few minutes to actually admit what I've been doing to my body the last few days. Cookies, ice cream, donuts, chocolate.... It was a horrendous sight. And you wanna know the craziest thing? THIS IS NOT EVEN ABOUT THE FOOD!


What this is about is trying (and failing) to do this on my own. I have been relying on my own willpower, my own rules, my own desires. But I haven't been moving forward with faith and I certainly haven't been compassionate with myself.

God loves me SOOOOO much. And if I would have taken a mere five minutes the last few days to remember that, to turn to Him and ask for forgiveness for hurting my body and, in turn, my Spirit, I wouldn't have prolonged the suffering. But tonight as I sat down and ate a sandwich (yes a carb. yes with spinach, yes later than 9p) I said a prayer and realized that I hadn't prayed for ANY of the other junky food I'd been eating. Why was that and how did it happen? Because I wasn't thankful for it. And somewhere hiding behind my trying to escape I knew that it wasn't something good for my body.

Life is still so good. I am literally the healthiest I've ever been. And though many of you may not understand, it's very significant for me that I didn't intentionally throw-up through these difficult couple of days. I may be struggling greatly but I am so much further now than I was even a year ago. And there's a lot of peace to be found in that.

Again, this is not about the food. And this is also the most unorganized post I'll probably ever post. I'm not even going to go back through it before I share it.
1) There are so many incredibly cool things about my life but there is also pain and addiction.
2) I can't do this alone.
3) Don't compare yourself to others. You really don't know them.

Okay, I think I'm done now. :)

I left class and hated it

Usually I'm pretty good about being able to read my emotions and compartmentalize thoughts when I'm feeling multiple things at once. But last night, I felt helpless.




I have developed an intense passion for going to the gym the last year or so. Even more than the gym, I LOVE dance classes there. The hour I spend at Zumba is usually the most carefree, exciting part of my day where I can just forget about all my obligations and let go (you dancers out there get it). The last few weeks though something has been changing for me. I start class so excited to be there, so ready to sweat and get a little crazy! But then a certain song comes on and I get that familiar feeling creeping up in my stomach... My dance moves start to become less than full-out, and before long I'm walking out in the middle of a song.


Last night this happened in a more intense way than it ever has before. I was able to go to a new dance class that I'd never been to before and I'd been wanting to go for MONTHS. The style is sort of like... urban hip-hop and it's my favorite. So I show up completely stoked. We start, I love it. I'm sweating like crazy and having a blast. Then that feeling comes... and for the first time I felt... I don't know what I felt. Like, sort of angry. And then all of these thoughts and emotions flooded in and I was frustrated and disappointed and sad and guilty and angry and I walked out of class nearly in tears.


I think I'm writing this post to tell you guys that it's okay to not always have it figured out, to not always have your crap together. I feel so often that I wait to write a post until I feel like I have passed through something and can give someone the best advice in regard to what I experienced. This post is not that. It's raw and real and writing about it makes me feel so vulnerable. So let me tell you some of the things I'm feeling.




I love dancing (Zumba, U-Jam, whatever) because:
1) I love to dance sexy and feel sexy
2) I love the crazy music
3) I love to pull my shirt up and bare my abs (which in my opinion have become super hot from working out)




I hate dancing (Zumba, U-Jam, whatever) because:
1) I love to dance sexy and feel sexy
2) I love the crazy music
3) I love to pull my shirt up and bare my abs (which in my opinion have become super hot from working out)




Does that make sense? Last night at class I kept wanting to bare some skin, let go and dance to that crunk music. But I couldn't; I told myself that I had to leave. And I was so happy for doing what I felt was right but I was also so disappointed that I didn't stay and do what I really wanted to do.
By this point I can literally feel your judgments through the computer screen. Here are my guesses as to what some of you may be thinking.


Option 1: If you have a hard time being modest and the music is inappropriate then it's wrong to go at all.
Option 2: Stop being so sensitive. There's nothing wrong with letting loose and having a little fun. And it's okay to dress differently for dance, especially when there are only women around.
Option 3: Girl, I totally know how you feel. I dance too and I have felt and feel the same conflicts.


The more I dance the better I get. So I look GOOD when I dance. The longer I've worked out the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. I like baring my stomach because I look and feel good. I love how stylish it looks. And I kinda like all that crazy, bassy music. It just does something to me.


But none of these things matter if I consider one thing, the thing that's been running through my mind over and over the last few weeks. How would I feel if the Savior walked in the door? Just let that idea sit with you for a minute.




Tears are welling up as I picture Christ walking in the room to me half-dressed, twerking it to some hip-hop artist sexually exploiting women with lyrics. And it's just too easy, guys. It's too easy to push this thought out of our minds. It's too easy to show up to class and let the noise drown out the soft voice telling us to be better, to choose better. And I'm honestly afraid. I've created so many great friendships with the girls I dance with, including the instructors. Will they be able to understand how I'm feeling? Zumba has been a tool for me to get into shape. It's what I rely on to stay fit, so what would happened if I didn't go?


So I don't know what I'm going to do. I already told you, I don't have it figured out. I can't tell you that I'm going to stop going to Zumba; I'm literally headed to a class in 15 minutes (luckily, one that I know is much more conservative with the moves and music). I'm still feeling all these conflicting emotions and it's really hard to deal with. But what I know is that the more I listen and respond to those inklings from the Spirit the closer I will draw to the Savior. And the closer I draw to the Savior the more he will strengthen me, support me, and help me know what I need to do.