Usually I'm pretty good about being able to read my emotions and compartmentalize thoughts when I'm feeling multiple things at once. But last night, I felt helpless.
I have developed an intense passion for going to the gym the last year or so. Even more than the gym, I LOVE dance classes there. The hour I spend at Zumba is usually the most carefree, exciting part of my day where I can just forget about all my obligations and let go (you dancers out there get it). The last few weeks though something has been changing for me. I start class so excited to be there, so ready to sweat and get a little crazy! But then a certain song comes on and I get that familiar feeling creeping up in my stomach... My dance moves start to become less than full-out, and before long I'm walking out in the middle of a song.
Last night this happened in a more intense way than it ever has before. I was able to go to a new dance class that I'd never been to before and I'd been wanting to go for MONTHS. The style is sort of like... urban hip-hop and it's my favorite. So I show up completely stoked. We start, I love it. I'm sweating like crazy and having a blast. Then that feeling comes... and for the first time I felt... I don't know what I felt. Like, sort of angry. And then all of these thoughts and emotions flooded in and I was frustrated and disappointed and sad and guilty and angry and I walked out of class nearly in tears.
I think I'm writing this post to tell you guys that it's okay to not always have it figured out, to not always have your crap together. I feel so often that I wait to write a post until I feel like I have passed through something and can give someone the best advice in regard to what I experienced. This post is not that. It's raw and real and writing about it makes me feel so vulnerable. So let me tell you some of the things I'm feeling.
I love dancing (Zumba, U-Jam, whatever) because:
1) I love to dance sexy and feel sexy
2) I love the crazy music
3) I love to pull my shirt up and bare my abs (which in my opinion have become super hot from working out)
I hate dancing (Zumba, U-Jam, whatever) because:
1) I love to dance sexy and feel sexy
2) I love the crazy music
3) I love to pull my shirt up and bare my abs (which in my opinion have become super hot from working out)
Does that make sense? Last night at class I kept wanting to bare some skin, let go and dance to that crunk music. But I couldn't; I told myself that I had to leave. And I was so happy for doing what I felt was right but I was also so disappointed that I didn't stay and do what I really wanted to do.
By this point I can literally feel your judgments through the computer screen. Here are my guesses as to what some of you may be thinking.
Option 1: If you have a hard time being modest and the music is inappropriate then it's wrong to go at all.
Option 2: Stop being so sensitive. There's nothing wrong with letting loose and having a little fun. And it's okay to dress differently for dance, especially when there are only women around.
Option 3: Girl, I totally know how you feel. I dance too and I have felt and feel the same conflicts.
The more I dance the better I get. So I look GOOD when I dance. The longer I've worked out the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. I like baring my stomach because I look and feel good. I love how stylish it looks. And I kinda like all that crazy, bassy music. It just does something to me.
But none of these things matter if I consider one thing, the thing that's been running through my mind over and over the last few weeks. How would I feel if the Savior walked in the door? Just let that idea sit with you for a minute.
Tears are welling up as I picture Christ walking in the room to me half-dressed, twerking it to some hip-hop artist sexually exploiting women with lyrics. And it's just too easy, guys. It's too easy to push this thought out of our minds. It's too easy to show up to class and let the noise drown out the soft voice telling us to be better, to choose better. And I'm honestly afraid. I've created so many great friendships with the girls I dance with, including the instructors. Will they be able to understand how I'm feeling? Zumba has been a tool for me to get into shape. It's what I rely on to stay fit, so what would happened if I didn't go?
So I don't know what I'm going to do. I already told you, I don't have it figured out. I can't tell you that I'm going to stop going to Zumba; I'm literally headed to a class in 15 minutes (luckily, one that I know is much more conservative with the moves and music). I'm still feeling all these conflicting emotions and it's really hard to deal with. But what I know is that the more I listen and respond to those inklings from the Spirit the closer I will draw to the Savior. And the closer I draw to the Savior the more he will strengthen me, support me, and help me know what I need to do.
