Deleted: Thoughts on Pet Peeves and Man Crush Monday

Sometime last year my friend added me to a group on Facebook that was meant exclusively for mothers. One of her friends had started the group and there were over 100 members. This page was meant as an outlet for mothers to connect and ask questions. For a while I really enjoyed the group. I felt like I learned a lot and, being pregnant with Alexa at the time, I felt like there was a lot I didn't know!

After a while I started noticing posts that made me uneasy. One of these posts was based around the concept "Man Crush Monday." For this post the administrater of the group (on a Monday) posted the name and a sexy picture of her celebrity "Man Crush" and urged the others wives/mothers of the group to do the same in the comments. I couldn't help but think, "are you kidding me?" I continued to get notifications all throughout the day as I saw DOZENS of women post immodest pictures of men and write comments about how attractive they are. It was like standing in front of a burning house and watching people intentionally throw fuel on a fire. I think that many people today would classify this as something playful and harmless, but I think it's incredibly dangerous.

From my experience so far, my relationship with my husband has been one of the most difficult things I have ever worked at in my life. I believe that the influences of Satan and the world in general try to convince us of many negative things that, if left unchecked, may ultimately lead to divorce. One of these concepts is the idea that "the grass is greener on the other side." This thought that another woman has a kinder, more supportive, smarter, or more attractive spouse is not only unfair to your own spouse but it is entirely irrelevant. You CHOSE to marry the man you married, and in order to marry him you must of found many things about him that you loved. Comparing him to others is unkind and will only make you more miserable. I express sorrow as I admit that I know the pain of this because of difficult times when I have allowed my mind to wonder if I would be happier elsewhere. Although I have a lot of room for improvement I have come to learn that if I feel my husband is lacking in some area that means that it is MY duty to fix MY thoughts. When we post pictures of attractive men for "Man Crush Monday" we are not only being unfaithful to our husbands but we are asking others to do the same.

A few weeks ago on this group page the same woman posted something like this, "What are your biggest pet peeves about your husband? Mine is..." and then she went on to tell hers. I had an even stronger reaction to this post. Why would we sit and vent, online, to strangers, the things that we don't like about our spouses? Can you imagine how hurt you would be if you stumbled upon a post your husband had published about something he doesn't like about you? You would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed! This time I decided to comment with a simple message about how I think that what was being encouraged wasn't a good idea. I felt I was kind but honest and I sincerely hoped that other women would be able to see where I was coming from and abstain from commenting. I could hardly believe what happened. An hour or so later I went back on and had multiple notifications where women had commented to share what they disliked about their husband and realized that my post was gone. To this day I don't know exactly what happened, but I'm under the impression that when she (the administrator and one who posted) saw my comment and didn't liked it, she erased it. Because who would want to let a comment distract from the fun of bashing on our husbands?

My whole point is that it takes effort to do what's right, and even though we hope others will support us in making correct choices, that won't always be the case. The world wants us to think that participating in things as simple as "Man Crush Monday" and complaining about our husbands via the internet is harmless fun, but it's much more serious than that! One comparison always leads to another. A few days after this incident I decided to delete myself from the group. I did not retaliate, I did not message her. I gave myself time to make sure that I was doing it for the right reasons. I decided that no amount of positive connection with other women was worth the degredation that I saw taking place.

You married the man you love, so love the man you married. Support him, respect him. He may be hurting and struggling and it may place a heavy burden on you and your marriage, but when you took him you made a promise to love him no matter what you went through. He is worth it.

The day I asked my husband not to compliment me

A few nights ago Braedon and I were home and it was just a few minutes before we were headed to bed. While standing behind me he affectionately put his hands on my waist and, as he often does, complimented me excitely. "Man, you're so skinny!" he said. For the first time in my life I felt something different than I normally do. A while later as we were lying in bed having those hilarious, really tired, half asleep, I haven't seen you all day so we HAVE to talk conversations, I told him that I needed him to do something for me. He agreed and so I proceeded. "I need you to stop complimenting me using the word skinny." It was quiet for a minute and then he said, "Okay, I understand. I will say thin instead." I laughed affectionately but then told him I was serious, so we talked.

Something I briefly mentioned in my last post "Fighting Food" is that I have recently discovered that counseling is going to be a very important aspect of gaining sound emotional health. I think there are a lot of very negative connotations associated with "counseling" and "therapy." I know that even at times when I hear someone say they are in therapy I initially think, "So, what's wrong with you?" When I was talking with Anna Banana on the phone a few weeks ago she encouraged me to write about some of the things I am learning in counseling sessions because we so often think of it as a negative thing. I think it's important to challenge social norms that create tabboo subjects. So a little piece of this blog post is to honor my friend Jess Oberg in her recent declaration to #tossthetabboo.

In a recent counseling session I shared an experience I had a few weeks ago at the gym. I was excited about it because I have had SO many negative feelings about my body recently that this moment felt like a big stride in the right direction. I normally wear exercise capris to Zumba but on this particular day I had worn shorts. I realized that over the last few months of consistently working out I had gained quite a bit of tone in my quads and I was like, "Yeah! I look hot!" So you can just picture me sitting there telling my counselor about this awesome experience and him smiling and congratulations me and so on but... nope. He basically told me that I was completely wrong in my thinking, and then we had a conversation about something called unconditional love.

Loving ourselves unconditionally means learning to love ourselves with no stipulation. I do not love myself only if I go to the gym, do my hair fancy, remember to pray in the morning, eat a well-balanced diet, clean my home or anything else; I love myself NO MATTER WHAT. I believe this to be the highest form of love, the kind our Savior and Heavenly Father have for us, and because of that it is extremely difficult to obtain. True unconditional love does not undermine the importance of progression and improvement, it allows us to love ourselves in the process.

I'm currently reading in "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. I read this a few nights ago and it struck me as profound:

"Latter-day Saints habitually use the phrase 'keeping the commandments'... [this is] sometimes an ambiguous and troublesome phrase for the Latter-day Saints, particularly when they talk to non-Latter-day Saints. We generally say 'keeping the commandments' when what we really mean is 'trying real hard to keep the commandments and succeeding most of the time.'" This is a beautiful concept because it makes the idea of becoming perfect a little less overwhelming knowing that our Heavenly Father will be merciful with us along the path. It is not necessarily about who I am RIGHT NOW but more about what is in my heart and what actions I am taking to become better.

Everything about the world teaches us to love ourselves conditionally. Magazines, media, gossiping about others, fashion, clothing stores. Think about it! I need to have those shoes, that body, her job, his smile. When we compare ourselves and feel that we are less than another we are being unconditional with ourselves.

I don't know if unconditional love is specifically a commandment from God, but what I do know is that the better we become at loving ourselves, the better we will become at loving those around us. I also know that in turn we will be able to more fully and perfectly love our Father in Heaven and, one day, be able love as He does. An added bonus is that our lives here on Earth will be MUCH more fulfilling and joyful. And who wouldn't want that?