The day I asked my husband not to compliment me

A few nights ago Braedon and I were home and it was just a few minutes before we were headed to bed. While standing behind me he affectionately put his hands on my waist and, as he often does, complimented me excitely. "Man, you're so skinny!" he said. For the first time in my life I felt something different than I normally do. A while later as we were lying in bed having those hilarious, really tired, half asleep, I haven't seen you all day so we HAVE to talk conversations, I told him that I needed him to do something for me. He agreed and so I proceeded. "I need you to stop complimenting me using the word skinny." It was quiet for a minute and then he said, "Okay, I understand. I will say thin instead." I laughed affectionately but then told him I was serious, so we talked.

Something I briefly mentioned in my last post "Fighting Food" is that I have recently discovered that counseling is going to be a very important aspect of gaining sound emotional health. I think there are a lot of very negative connotations associated with "counseling" and "therapy." I know that even at times when I hear someone say they are in therapy I initially think, "So, what's wrong with you?" When I was talking with Anna Banana on the phone a few weeks ago she encouraged me to write about some of the things I am learning in counseling sessions because we so often think of it as a negative thing. I think it's important to challenge social norms that create tabboo subjects. So a little piece of this blog post is to honor my friend Jess Oberg in her recent declaration to #tossthetabboo.

In a recent counseling session I shared an experience I had a few weeks ago at the gym. I was excited about it because I have had SO many negative feelings about my body recently that this moment felt like a big stride in the right direction. I normally wear exercise capris to Zumba but on this particular day I had worn shorts. I realized that over the last few months of consistently working out I had gained quite a bit of tone in my quads and I was like, "Yeah! I look hot!" So you can just picture me sitting there telling my counselor about this awesome experience and him smiling and congratulations me and so on but... nope. He basically told me that I was completely wrong in my thinking, and then we had a conversation about something called unconditional love.

Loving ourselves unconditionally means learning to love ourselves with no stipulation. I do not love myself only if I go to the gym, do my hair fancy, remember to pray in the morning, eat a well-balanced diet, clean my home or anything else; I love myself NO MATTER WHAT. I believe this to be the highest form of love, the kind our Savior and Heavenly Father have for us, and because of that it is extremely difficult to obtain. True unconditional love does not undermine the importance of progression and improvement, it allows us to love ourselves in the process.

I'm currently reading in "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. I read this a few nights ago and it struck me as profound:

"Latter-day Saints habitually use the phrase 'keeping the commandments'... [this is] sometimes an ambiguous and troublesome phrase for the Latter-day Saints, particularly when they talk to non-Latter-day Saints. We generally say 'keeping the commandments' when what we really mean is 'trying real hard to keep the commandments and succeeding most of the time.'" This is a beautiful concept because it makes the idea of becoming perfect a little less overwhelming knowing that our Heavenly Father will be merciful with us along the path. It is not necessarily about who I am RIGHT NOW but more about what is in my heart and what actions I am taking to become better.

Everything about the world teaches us to love ourselves conditionally. Magazines, media, gossiping about others, fashion, clothing stores. Think about it! I need to have those shoes, that body, her job, his smile. When we compare ourselves and feel that we are less than another we are being unconditional with ourselves.

I don't know if unconditional love is specifically a commandment from God, but what I do know is that the better we become at loving ourselves, the better we will become at loving those around us. I also know that in turn we will be able to more fully and perfectly love our Father in Heaven and, one day, be able love as He does. An added bonus is that our lives here on Earth will be MUCH more fulfilling and joyful. And who wouldn't want that?