I spent days and now weeks pondering this idea. Women get pregnant. They have a baby. And then they want to "get their body back." Fitness ads and commercials pop up on social media and television and scream "did you have a baby? Get your body back!" Our misperceptions of other women make us yell inside ourselves "why don't I look like her? I need to get my body back!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?
I believe that my body is a gift and that my spirit existed before I came to this earth (so I know my worth is not defined by my body). I also believe that my body is intended for MANY awesome things like eating yummy foods, playing sports, taking baths, pushing my limits at the gym, cleaning my house, expressing myself through dance, writing in my journal, and so many other things. I also believe that I have my body so that I can experience indescribably sacred things like being intimate with my husband, growing and birthing a child, serving the people around me, participating inside the holy temple, and gazing in awe at my babies' sleepy eyes as I rock them to sleep.
I've now had two children and I would REALLY like to have more because I love Alexa and Libby so dearly and because I feel like there are other sweet little spirits waiting to join our family. I also want to have more children because I absolutely love the birthing process and I feel confident that with the Lord's help, I'm going to raise these children into really stellar individuals.
So what does that mean for me? It means that I get into super good shape and then I get pregnant and get chubby, but I ALSO do my best to stay in shape for those nine months. And it's still my body. Then a human COMES OUT of my body and my body is all stretchy and soft and a few pounds heavier (and a few others things). And it's still my body. Then I remember how much easier it feels to exercise and function without another person inside of me, so I get back into my normal routine, over time. And it's HARD because my body isn't in the same shape it used to be. But it's still my body. And then over a period of time, about a year for me this time around, I start to feel really fit and toned and slender again. But you know what? It was my body the ENTIRE time.
I'm finally starting to learn that my body is going to look different all throughout my life. From ages 13-20 my body fluctuated often because I was constantly caught between starving myself and eating every crappy food I could get my hands on. And then for the next few years, as I started learning about nutrition, I started to heal from some of my disorders with eating. And with that knowledge I started eating better and kept working out, and then I was a little chubbier because I was consistently eating, and often not the right foods. Then after having my first baby I started getting really intrigued about food and nutrition, so I started watching documentaries, reaching out to friends that I saw as "fit," and began to implement healthy habits like eating veggies and drinking lots of water. And I slimmed down and felt so happy because I was taking better care of my body. But struggles with binging, particularly with sugar, were relentless and exhausting (something I'm still working on to this day). And then in January last year I started a weight-loss competition that was five months long, but I dropped out mid-April due to mental health issues. I was the most thin I'd EVER been since puberty and weighed the lowest too. I was getting compliments left and right. But despite all of these things that looked great on the outside I was miserable and the most emotionally unhealthy I had ever been about my body.
Isn't that interesting? I "looked" my very best but was mentally at my very worst because inside I was obsessing about every single things I ate, counting calories, weighing myself multiple times a day, and on and on. And so I quit. And less than one month later I got pregnant with my second baby. And throughout my pregnancy I stayed SUPER fit, which was not easy in the least, but I did it and I'm so glad I did. And then she was born in February and my body seemed to bounce back pretty quick. When I went back to the gym four weeks postpartum (because I was DYING being cooped up in the house and missed seeing people and trying to care for two children was overwhelming) it's like people didn't even see ME. All they saw was an abnormally slender, four-week postpartum body. Everyone asked me things like "how are you doing it," "are you sure you just had a baby," "someone expressed concern that I looked so thin already, and one person even made an announcement to the whole class about how I just had my baby "x" amount of weeks ago and didn't I look amazing!? And sure, in the moment I felt cool and all, but it actually left me feeling self-conscious and sort of neglected... No one really asked me the things I needed at that time, like "how are you doing with healing," "how is your baby," or "do you need help?" And I did. I needed help SO badly.
I felt completely alone but didn't know how to talk to anyone about it. In this weird way I felt all of this pressure to be and stay thin, but I was an emotional wreck and didn't know how I'd be able to maintain that. My newborn baby was crying almost constantly (which I found out at week 7 was due to a milk protein intolerance when I removed dairy from my diet). I was exhausted from having hardly any sleep. I was simultaneously trying to care for a 2 year, 4 month old toddler who quickly realized that a distracted mother made for easy access to endless messes. My husband was working day and night to help us get ahead and I was caring for everything else on my own (while also going through a ton of crappy stuff in our marriage relationship). And because I was caving under the stress of it all I put my babies in the car to soothe Libby to sleep (because nothing else would), drove to Harmon's, and ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream almost every night for weeks straight. And sure enough... eventually with the consistent sugar came the weight. And all of a sudden I was nearly 10 lbs heavier than right after Libby was born.
Can you see the problem with this? I was so worried about being judged, because I could guess exactly how it would go. I'd try to reach out to someone, start talking to them about my issues with stress and food, and be swiftly invalidated by a "but you look amazing" or "nobody's body looks that good after having a baby"or "obviously the ice cream isn't showing." And so I kept it inside and kept eating and it eventually led to me acting out in other damaging ways. But hey, I looked good and that's what seemed to matter.
The reality is that we never ACTUALLY know what people are going through. I'm aware that people see me, either in person or on social media, and assume things about me because of my body. The reality is that I am VERY fit right now. I'm also currently slimming down and toning up a lot, which just seems to be the icing on the cake (ha, you see what I did there). And people may assume that I eat well all the time, or that I eat whatever and look like this anyway. They may assume that eating well comes easy to me, that I have plenty of money to buy the best foods, that I'm just lucky, or whatever it may be. And I know that people make these assumptions because I make the SAME mistake all the time when I judge others. You know what I'm talking about. You notice a Facebook friend who seems to have the most unbelievable family life and then you're completely floored when you become close friends and she confides in you that her marriage is a mess right now.
When we judge other people (and ourselves) it takes away from the true value of who they/we are. And when we emphasize the surface characteristics and leave out the more important things I truly believe it can be damaging, even though it's always unintentional. I whole-heartedly believe that we can play a huge part in fixing these things. Here are some examples:
-This weekend at the gym I gave one of my friends a hug mid-Zumba class and she said "you're looking so skinny!" She quickly corrected herself by saying, "I actually should say fit. You're looking so fit!" It was small, and may not have mattered to someone else, but it was a HUGE deal to me. I personally want to focus on and think about being fit and healthy, because that's what leads to the best emotional health for me.
-Another friend today told me, "you're looking so thin! Have you been losing weight?" I told her that I get too obsessed about my weight when I'm tracking it, so I have chosen not to weigh myself. I told her "I'm finally eating really well."
-A friend who I hadn't seen recently came to my class last week. Afterward we were talking about food and fitness. Last time I saw her she had been pregnant with her first baby, a little girl. I couldn't remember and asked how long ago she was born. She replied self-consciously, "it's been three months. I really need to get this weight off." It was so ironic because throughout the entire class each time I looked at her I thought wow, she looks so beautiful. But in her mind she was embarrassed about her body, and maybe she felt even more so because we were talking about food and fitness and because the conversation initiated by her sister-in-law commenting about how she couldn't believe I had had two babies. I responded by complimenting her body and then talked to her about the importance of loving her body and understanding that everyone is different.
All of these are small things, sometimes only seconds in a conversation. But I truly believe they can change our world of perception for the better.
The beginning of October this year I began a health challenge with a group of 24 people that lasted eight weeks, and those eight weeks changed my life. I decided upfront that I wouldn't weigh myself weekly but would just focus on consistently "getting points" by participating in healthy habits like drinking 64 ounces of water a day, having five daily servings of combined fruits/veggies, sleeping seven hours each night, etc. I also committed to write down every single thing I ate for the eight weeks. And I had moments where I struggled, got frustrated, sugar-binged, etc. But overall I finished feeling healthier, satisfied with my efforts, and in some really good habits. Additionally, I was led to a book called Bright Line Eating which has allowed me to connect with the author in a way I've never been able to connect with anyone when it comes to food. And as I'm currently working to apply some of those bright lines, miraculous things are happening for me spiritually, physically, and emotionally. And the CRAZIEST thing is that for the first time in my life my body "looking good" is a side-effect of the things that matter more, not the other way around. I'm eating (or not eating things) to be happy and well, not to be skinny. And this breakthrough is literally changing my life.
I'm SO tired of trying to fit a certain mold. I'm sick of coveting other womens' bodies, hating myself for eating something I didn't actually want to eat, hoping someone will tell me how good I'm looking. And I'm so done trying to meet expectations, whether they be the assumed expectations of others, or worse, my own expectations of how my body "should look."
I'm finding indescribable joy in learning to appreciate my body in all of its stages. I'm finding joy in making changes to my diet that leave me feeling healthy and full or energy. I'm finding joy in saying "no, I will not put that in my body because it's bad for me" and "yes, I love putting that in my body because it helps me feel good." I'm finding joy in the spiritual and emotional peace that comes from focusing on eating veggies and making it through a High Fitness class (which is no small feat for me) instead of focusing on how thin I am or how good I'll look in a selfie. And don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be fit, thin, and strong. In fact, I think those are all very worthy goals; I want to be all of those things! But I don't want to kill myself getting there, I want to be happy along the way.
What I absolutely don't want is for their to be the misconception that I'm trying to judge my friends for what they said. Even more, I'm trying to say that I know exactly how they feel. The unrelenting expectations put on us, both by others and by ourselves, are very real and unrelenting. What I'm trying to do is inspire us all the think at a higher level. I believe that our Heavenly Father cares about how we treat/care for our bodies and what we use them for, but I believe that He cares very little about how we look.
Sometimes I forget to focus on the right things. But I also know that I am out-of-my-mind excited about this crazy journey I'm on. And as I take every tennis-shoed step toward being more healthy and fit I will keep working to remember that no matter what step of life I'm at, it's still my body, and it sure is a beautiful one. <3
Wise lesson you write about. Blessings to you!
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