How are you doing?

Lately I get nervous when people ask me, "how are you doing?" It's often been hard to answer phone calls from closely loved friends (sorry Anna, McKenna, and Em). When ward members inquire about my well-being on Sundays I feel like I stuff my real feelings deep down inside, utter "pretty well" (so as not to be too optimistic but to avoid negativity), and quickly change the subject to how they are doing. You know what I'm talking about, you all have done it too. And why does my normally very cheerful, faithful, positive self feel these things? Because I am not doing well.

Dictionary.com defines the word "do" as the following: "to perform, to execute, to accomplish, to put forth." I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "how are you doing?" In the past when people have asked how I'm doing I have felt they are inquiring about my emotional wellness, my life circumstances, maybe even how I'm feeling physically. But recently I've realized that the verb "do" has little to do with the things around me and everything to do with the things inside of me.

Earlier this month my close friend McKenna and I sat on park swings around 12 in the morning. Some of the time we just let ourselves go back and forth to the sound of chains and tears. One of us would break the silence to read a quote from our phones, we'd talk, and go back to swinging in the silence. This went on for a long time. We moved to the steps, the bars, and eventually the slides where we laid down, looked up at the sky, and held hands. But no matter where we moved the conversation never completely changed its course. We discussed the phenomenon of the trials we endure here on this Earth. For me, the most powerful moment of our time together was when she read me a quote that contained the following idea: Trials do not come upon us due to our unrighteousness. In fact, when we are chosen to endure severe trials it is because God loves us and because He trusts us.

Sometimes I wish God didn't trust me so much.

Since coming into activity in the church I've often heard members say over the pulpit or in classes that they "don't know how they could do it without the gospel." This never really struck a cord with me because I did know. I lived my life without the gospel for 18 years and I survived. But as I look back at the last year or so of my life I realize that I have obtained a profoundly deep and abiding testimony that I do not know how I would do it without the gospel. Satan gets us to believe a lie, this GREAT lie that we can "do it" on our own. That is why marriages fail and individuals stay stuck in addiction and believers fall away, because they rely on themselves to be able to do it alone.  

Sometimes I have the good days where I am broken apart, down on my knees, pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me be strong, to help me be faithful. Those are the days that I seek His guidance and read good books and visit my neighbor and clean my home and spend extra time with my daughter and serve my husband. But on the days that I'm not doing the good things in my heart and in my body I feel like I just might not make it. And that feeling is because I try so hard to do it, try so hard, try so hard, try so hard to do it alone and eventually I just quit trying because it will never work that way.

There are certain songs I listen to that strike my emotions so deeply it's hard to express. Do you know the ones I am talking about? It's like it reaches you so deeply and powerfully that you feel it in your bones. One of the most profound things about the plan for us is that in this life we are meant to endure great trials by doing all we can while relying on the Lord to do what we cannot. We are called to action but not by ourselves, by our faith. These two key elements are intended to work as a melody and a harmony to create the most beautiful music ever made.

So maybe we should take some time to ask ourselves, "how am I doing?" And who am I doing it with?