Together

I'm not exactly sure where to begin... My heart is so FULL.
Of course as a new year comes around we all have a tendency to think back on the last year of our lives. Was it good, bad, challenging, rewarding, difficult, sad, incredible, adventurous? The last few days I've seen memes splayed across Facebook about how 2016 can just die and go back to where it came from. Yikes... I've also seen lots of posts with details of what my friends did and accomplished this last year. It's been cool to get a little taste of all of the many things experienced in 2016.

Braedon and I decided to "date exclusively" on New Year's Eve of 2011. Talk about an exciting new year! That very same night we went to a party in Gunlock, UT where I met his family, friends, and basically everyone in the town and his family ward (it's not a big place). We had such an incredible time that first year that we've kept up the tradition, and every year (except one where we were traveling) we have gone and celebrated New Year's there. We were there again last night. We ate our usual yummy food, played our usual ridiculous games, took our usual badly-lit selfie, and celebrated the New York New Year (at 10pm). As everyone shouted "Happy New Year" I stood there trying to balance a paper cup full of grape Martinelli while holding a fidgety two-year old and trying to ignore the large belly and discomfort of my kicking 34-week, unborn baby girl. I've had very few occasions in my life where time just seemed to completely stop. But when Braedon looked over at me with that "I didn't forget" smile, inched closer, and kissed me sweetly on the lips, I honestly felt like we were the only people in that entire room.

2014

2016

2015

There are only two people who truly understand the significance of that moment last night: Heavenly Father, and myself. There are lots and lots of people from all walks of life who enjoy special New Year's kisses, and even the lucky ones who get to enjoy those special kisses every year. But as I was frozen in that moment I was reminded of how uniquely precious it was to be there kissing my husband. One aspect that made last night's moment so special is that the last two years at the party previous to this one were actually very painful for me. In both 2014 and 2015 I looked back at the previous year with disappointment and discouragement.

VERY few people know and/or understand the type of year that Braedon and I had in 2016. Sure, a lot of good things happened. I became licensed to teach Zumba and got to follow that passion, we had our four-year anniversary, and we even celebrated our sweet Alexa's second birthday. But despite all of the things that looked great from the outside, there were a lot of heart-breaking things going on inside our marriage and our home. And although we've been struggling for a few years, I spent a lot of time in 2016 not even knowing if we'd be together to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new one. If any of you reading this have ever suffered so greatly in your marriage that you didn't know where you'd end up, you may understand how terrifying it is to wonder if you're going to be able to hold your family together.

I know this is about as intimate as you can get in a blog post, and obviously I want to keep a lot of the details private. But one thing that has been pressing on my heart and mind is the need to share with friends, family, strangers, or really ANYONE about the one thing that I believe saved our marriage.

We learned to be friends again.

Maybe you're thinking, "we're so far past that." Or "there's been too much damage, I can never heal." Maybe the idea of being friends with your spouse feels so out of reach right now that you don't even know how you would start. Trust me, I've been there. But as we sat in a therapist's office a few months ago and he gave us the advice to start dating again and learn to be friends, I felt that it was our last shot to make things work, and I was desperate to do anything.

Because of all the crazy crap that had messed up our relationship within the last few years there were some serious things that needed working through, but we lacked a base of trust and respect for each other. So I spent countless hours over months and years desperately trying to communicate with Braedon and fix the issues that were tearing us apart. But how do you work through problems that big without a foundation? You don't. You CAN'T. 

That morning when we left the therapist's office I didn't really know what the heck I was supposed to do now. We got into the car and sat there for a minute, us awkwardly silent in the front and Alexa obliviously strapped into her car seat in the back. After a while Braedon said, "can I take you guys to breakfast?" It seriously took me off guard. But I smiled and told him I'd really like that. He took me to IHOP so that I could get my favorite breakfast, crepes. And over a plate of crepes we started to rebuild a very broken relationship. (I'm crying as I'm writing this, in case you wanted to know). 

Picture this: If you ever went on one of those awkward first dates where you didn't really know what to say or weren't sure if you would click with the other person... it felt like that but times 100, because my awkward first date was actually my husband of four plus years and there was a LOT of baggage. I was afraid to say the wrong thing, make the wrong joke, or bring up the wrong topic. It was a situation full of hope but also anxiety and discomfort. I remember laughing at Alexa's sweet little face COVERED in blueberries. We learned that day how much she loves pancakes. I don't really remember what Braedon and I talked about. I think we filled the time with small talk or even things about Alexa, but nothing about us. And that's okay, because that's where we were at that time.

Over the last few months I've seen my relationship with Braedon blossom into something I never even IMAGINED was possible. It seems almost daily I am taken aback by things he says, compliments he gives me, service he renders, sweet words of encouragement, and those little moments where I stop to look at him and feel like the breath is knocked right out of me. I feel myself falling in love all over again, and it's almost incomprehensible to me. 

No other caption but "Pure Joy" seems to fit

Words can not describe how proud I am of him for all of the changes he's making and will continue to make. He speaks to me more kindly, listens more intently, and loves me more fully. And one of my VERY favorite things is that we laugh together now, ALL THE TIME. That's something I missed so so much. I missed staying up late to cuddle and giggle and love my best friend. We talk about dreams and goals and self-improvement and God and our future. Those were all things that felt impossible to talk about just a few short months ago. Also, I desperately hope that I'm making noticeable changes to allow him to feel as loved and cherished and he's working to make me feel. Sometimes I don't think he even realizes how much better life has been for me because of the changes he's making. 

So babe, if you read this, I hope you get at least a glimpse of how the last few months have changed my life and saved our family. ♥ I don't know how to adequately thank you, but I plan to spend the rest of forever trying to figure it out.

On Christmas day this year we opened presents at my mom's house. She has gotten me a variety of beautiful family-based Willow Tree statues over the years. Even before the paper was off I knew I was opening a Willow Tree box and I was thrilled. As I pulled the statue of the man and woman out the description tag fell onto my lap.

It read, "Together." 

Immediately tears began to stream down my face. Braedon did that thing where he gives me the look to tease me for crying and I did that thing back where I fake pretend like I'm not crying. I hugged my mom and told her thank you, and I'm sure everyone in the room thought I was having some weird surge of pregnancy hormones. But in reality, I sat there in complete awe and gratitude because we WERE together. Not only were we still "together" from a marriage standpoint, but we were "together" as friends, as lovers, as eternal companions, and ultimately, as a family.   

One thing I can say without a doubt is that the year 2016 brought me more heart-ache, frustration, worry, fear, desperation, tears, pain, trial, and sorrow than I ever hoped a year would bring me. It also brought me patience, resilience, joy, prayer, humility, relief, and hope. It brought me close to my Savior in a way I'll never be able to describe. Not only did He help me get through the times I thought I might lose my family unit, but He also helped me be brave when it was time for things to get better, when it was time to let go and heal. I still feel Him helping me through that daily. I am also IMMENSELY grateful for my Heavenly Father and His perfect plan, which I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life trying to understand. I am so grateful for 1) my sweet little girl(s) and 2) the priesthood power which allowed us to be sealed as a family forever. I know that both of these things have played a significant part in strengthening our family. .

Even though we often don't see the challenges is others' lives from the outside, I know that some of you who stumble across this article may be struggling in your marriage. I want to boldly declare that miracles CAN and DO happen. If you feel like your marriage is beyond repair I strongly encourage you to try your very best to start again from the beginning. Go on dates, tell jokes, have fun together, and try to fall in love again. I understand that these things can't and won't save every marriage, but I also know that it saved mine.

Braedon and I still have a lot to figure out, there's no doubt about that. But we have stepped out of a very dark place and are hand-in-hand, laughing together, and walking toward the light. Even though we've been through hell and back about 5,000 times in the last four and a half years I can feel so deep within me that we are an incredible couple and are going to do amazing things together. There is so much greatness in store for us in 2017, and I'm beyond grateful to have my best friend by my side.